FanPost

Better late than never; NHL Guardian Comics reviewed

[AUTHORS NOTE: I wrote this the night the Guardian comics came out. I just never got around to publishing this for some reason. Anyway, enjoy.]

 

They're finally here! The comics that I have been waiting for since day one of the Guardian Project were released and I could not wait to download all of them and read them, because that's the best way to read a comic, as a .pdf on my computer screen, scrolling up and down over two-page spreads.

Let's face it, you don't want to read them, I, being a huge comics fan and a bit of a glutton for punishment, do. So let me break them down for you after the jump.

Let me preface this by saying that on the whole these actually weren't that bad. I mean sure, they're on par with everything else having to do with the Guardians, but still, they're not the worst things I've ever read.

The Avalanche vs. Chryton - a green super smart alien that wants to hijack satellites (presumably so he can disseminate and rebroadcast Major League Baseball games without their permission.)

Highlight- "First I turn these clowns into Ugly-scicles" I know what I'm getting the next time I hear the ice-cream truck!

Lowlight- The Avalanche essentially uses the old "reverse the polarity" ploy, though I'm still not sure how or why it worked, but, hey, it was good enough for He-Man, the Thundercats, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and every other 80's cartoon.

Blackhawk vs. Toxicon - a super smart rat that wants to turn Chicagoans green and take over the city.

Highlight- Blackhawk bursts some pipes and spews dialogue that makes it sound like he gave Toxicon the ol' Dutch Oven.

Lowlight- "I smell MORE than toxic gas. I smell a rat, lots of rats." Wow. Sparkling.

The Blue vs. Mr. Fingers -his motives unknown but his digits are quite large.

Highlight- The Blue's awesome hepcat dialogue, I can dig that.

Lowlight- While the Blue does save the derailed bus, he strands them in a dessert...in Egypt, not cool. Their commute just got about a day longer and he thinks he's got a reason to sing the blues? Where does this guy get off?

The Bluejacket vs. Hammersmith- the leader of (or a group, of it's unclear) spies that are trying to break into a research lab, no doubt the one that tabulates the gravitational pull of Marty Broduer

Highlight- The last line spoken by The Bluejacket sounds like he just wants sex and beer after a successful day. Don't we all?

Lowlight- Every other line spoken by The Bluejacket

The Bruin vs. Dr. Mayhem- a generic brain-in-a-glass-bubble-on-his-head type villain that wants to *yawn* enslave every person in Boston.

Highlight- "Now just sit there and wait for the cops-if you can bear it!" PUNS!

Lowlight- The dude with a huge brain really things that upping his robot henchmen from one to two will stop the Bruin. Way to use the pre-frontal cortex on that one, Einstein.

The Canadien vs. motorcycle bandits- some crazy imbeciles are trying escape Le Habitant by cruising their crotch rockets through a grand prix race.

Highlight- The Canadien does not set fire to anything after his minor victory.

Lowlight- French Canadian school systems must be terrible, apparently 9+30=50,000

The Canuck vs. Velvet 9- a green-haired vixen who racially profiles a Middle Eastern man and decides to capture him for his oil fortune.

Highlight- Sexual undertones of S&M what with the Canuck ending up in bondage and promising Velvet 9 a velvet jail cell.

Lowlight- Much like with Aquaman, the Canuck had his sea-fairing friends do all the work, calling into question animal cruelty laws and setting PETA on edge.

The Capital vs. Refuse-an anthropomorphized garbage pile that is out to kidnap Barack Obama...after he checks out the museums.

Highlight- We don't have to hear what SKREEEEK sounds like, though I'm assuming you could hear it at any Justin Beiber concert.

Lowlight- Unfortunately, the Capital wasn't around to save any presidents before George W. Bush.

@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 10pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }

The Coyote vs. Dezert Rats- think Mad Max meets Sons of Anarchy, they're generally up to no good, apparently.

Highlight- By far the most animal mentions out of all the Guardians. Covers dogs, rats, horses, coyotes, and of course, random sand dinosaurs, the most rare and beautiful of all pre-historic creatures.

Lowlight- If the desert sand is truly part of the Coyote, I feel very bad for his lady friends.

 

The Devil vs. ...Gravity?-while some nameless and uneducated thugs try to shoot...some...stuff(?) a bus somehow falls and it's up to the Devil to save those kids.

Highlight- Even the Guardian of a team in last place knows that there's no power more greater than the power of grammar!

Lowlight- Apparently the traffic in the air above the NJ roadways are too clustered to be certain the Devil will catch the nameless "mooks."

The Duck vs. Jellifish-a purple sea witch, who terrorizes rich people on the Pacific and who, despite the fact that she's purple, is decidedly not human.

Highlight- Shark repellent does, in fact, work on jellyfish or women named Jellifish.

Lowlight- Supervillan thwarted by a net...that story is full of holes.

The Flame vs. Harridans- hot chicks from outer space with feelers coming out of their foreheads.

Highlight- Feeling that the term "mother ship" was overly clichéd, The Flame makes the brilliant choice to call it a "Mama ship" instead.

Lowlight- The Flame vs. Women...did they not see how wide open they left the door for gay jokes, or did they just not care?

The Flyer vs. Benjamin Franklins- those crazy Bennies are trying to steal the very legal tender that bares their resemblance.

Highlight- We finally get to see the Titanium Eagle...and his name is Wanamaker!

Lowlight- Ben Franklin crossing the Delaware? Did I miss that day of American History?

The Hurricane vs. The Cape Fear Fiend- a dastardly villain who is literally going to make it rain.

Highlight- The Hurricane, stops a hurricane. The irony is delicious.

Lowlight- You have to buy the replacement warranty! C'mon! That's rule one of evil technology purchasing!

The Islander vs. Salamander- a misunderstood villain that just wanted to recreate the movie Deep Impact.

Highlight- With H20 moving abilities coming standard, the Islander is a steal at twice the price!

Lowlight- You can never find a good oceanic towing service when you need one.

The King vs. Hitchcock- a reference to Alfred Hitchcock, the director...get it? Because they're in LA.

Highlight- Hitchcock's nomination (though self-realized) makes more sense than Burlesque being nominated for a Golden Globe.

Lowlight- While saving the day, The King costs the good people of Los Angeles countless dollars in street repair taxes over the next 10-15 years.

The Lightning vs. Captain Spike and the crew of the Red Maurader- Pirates that want to steal gems and cleverly plan their heist to coincide with Pirate week in Tampa...apparently that's a thing.

Highlight- The Tampa bystanders are incredibly organized and simultaneously yell a coherent sentence all at once.

Lowlight- The lucky bystander that gets a kiss from the Lightning is going to have one hell of a case of the frizzies after smooching.

The Maple Leaf vs. Spectra- a diamond thief with a Technicolor dream coat.

Highlight- Copious amounts of male genitalia jokes to be made.

Lowlight-  The cops in Toronto do not know how to color coordinate.

The Oilder vs. Bitumen- an oil hungry...thing(?) that looks an awful lot like Refuse.

Highlight- By staying up to date on his oil changes, The Oiler won't void his warranty and thus is still covered bumper to bumper for the next year.

Lowlight- "Gonna suck up some sweet crude." /facepalm

The Panther vs. Mudfoot- who is a poorly designed cross between Man-Thing and Swamp Thing with the face of an iguana.

Highlight- Invisible protagonists make for riveting action sequences.

Lowlight- On one page the villain is referred to as Mudfoot, on another he is Mudcat. Who's doing the editing? Collin Cambell?

The Penguin vs. Rivet- a steel-jawed terrorist that doesn't just burn bridges, he tries to blow them up.

Highlight- The Penguin is bringing "zowie" back into popular vernacular. I think we all agree this is long overdue.

Lowlight- Rivet just wanted attention, the city ignored him. How dare you Pittsburgh, crazy mad bombers need love too!

The Predator vs. Airwave- Crazed stalker of blond country singers, or your normal red-neck.

Highlight- "A range over three octaves...makes my fur stand on end." Nick Cannon finally has a comic hero he can relate to.

Lowlight- If the Predator continues to be so impatient with Airwave's stutter, the poor guy won't ever get the confidence to overcome it.

The Ranger vs. Time Squared- a megalomaniacal genius out to stop time and rob the Big Apple.

Highlight- The first time that hockey is even remotely referenced (If you go through these alphabetically, as I did)

Lowlight- That hockey reference is the glow-puck from Fox.

The Red Wing vs. car thieves/kidnappers- these lousy criminals don't know to check the backseat for kids before committing grand theft auto.

Highlight- Red Wing Airlines has the lowest rates north of the Mason Dixon line.

Lowlight- The Red Wing interrupts what would become Baby's Day Out 2: Electric Bugaloo.

The Sabre vs. The Scarf- who's name is seriously the scarf. I mean really, it's the scarf. He wears a scarf and controls his scarf. A scarf.

Highlight- By far the best "that's what she said" of all the issues; "She'll never survive a pounding like that!"

Lowlight- The Scarf! Seriously, The Scarf. That's a super villain, a dude with a scarf.

The Senator vs. Magnicore- a spurned inventor whose patents were denied by the evil Canadian government.

Highlight- At least the Senators are relevant somewhere.

Lowlight- We all know the power of love defeats both the power of justice and the power of technology. Right, Huey Lewis?

The Shark vs. Gigabyte- a mad tech-junkie that wants to download information from a cable on the bottom of the sea, allowing him to throw the economy into disarray.

Highlight- More wonderful genitalia jokes! They're about eels this time.

Lowlight- Um...Gigabyte...the economy is already pretty shot, dude.

The Star vs. Fission- a crazy purple dude covered in Kirby crackle that has no real agenda beyond destruction.

Highlight- The Star does not use his catch phrase "There's a new sheriff in town."

Lowlight- The Star does not use his catch phrase "There's a new sheriff in town."

The Thrasher vs. unidentified bogies- Seriously they don't even try to explain what's threatening the Globemaster.

Highlight- The UFO that's stealing the Globemaster looks familiar from the other comics and creates a continuity throughout the universe. You know what that means...a line-wide event that will lead to 14 tie-in titles per month! Each costing only $3.99!

Lowlight- The whole comic is The Thrasher catching a plane and landing with it.

The Wild vs. The Threatener- he's the only threat we need to care about! That's him talking there, not me. I don't care about him at all.

Highlight- "Sirens...the cops are here. This is the luckiest night of your life, loser! WILD OUT!" Score one more for Nick Cannon!

Lowlight- He doesn't care if the billion dollars he asked for is in USD or Canadian dollars. Really dude? It makes a difference you know. It's not just a color and portrait preference.



This item was written by a member of this community and is not necessarily endorsed by <em>Broad Street Hockey</em>.

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

Join Broad Street Hockey

You must be a member of Broad Street Hockey to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Broad Street Hockey. You should read them.

Join Broad Street Hockey

You must be a member of Broad Street Hockey to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Broad Street Hockey. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9355_tracker