Better late than never; NHL Guardian Comics reviewed

[AUTHORS NOTE: I wrote this the night the Guardian comics came out. I just never got around to publishing this for some reason. Anyway, enjoy.]


They're finally here! The comics that I have been waiting for since day one of the Guardian Project were released and I could not wait to download all of them and read them, because that's the best way to read a comic, as a .pdf on my computer screen, scrolling up and down over two-page spreads.

Let's face it, you don't want to read them, I, being a huge comics fan and a bit of a glutton for punishment, do. So let me break them down for you after the jump.

Let me preface this by saying that on the whole these actually weren't that bad. I mean sure, they're on par with everything else having to do with the Guardians, but still, they're not the worst things I've ever read.

The Avalanche vs. Chryton - a green super smart alien that wants to hijack satellites (presumably so he can disseminate and rebroadcast Major League Baseball games without their permission.)

Highlight- "First I turn these clowns into Ugly-scicles" I know what I'm getting the next time I hear the ice-cream truck!

Lowlight- The Avalanche essentially uses the old "reverse the polarity" ploy, though I'm still not sure how or why it worked, but, hey, it was good enough for He-Man, the Thundercats, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and every other 80's cartoon.

Blackhawk vs. Toxicon - a super smart rat that wants to turn Chicagoans green and take over the city.

Highlight- Blackhawk bursts some pipes and spews dialogue that makes it sound like he gave Toxicon the ol' Dutch Oven.

Lowlight- "I smell MORE than toxic gas. I smell a rat, lots of rats." Wow. Sparkling.

The Blue vs. Mr. Fingers -his motives unknown but his digits are quite large.

Highlight- The Blue's awesome hepcat dialogue, I can dig that.

Lowlight- While the Blue does save the derailed bus, he strands them in a Egypt, not cool. Their commute just got about a day longer and he thinks he's got a reason to sing the blues? Where does this guy get off?

The Bluejacket vs. Hammersmith- the leader of (or a group, of it's unclear) spies that are trying to break into a research lab, no doubt the one that tabulates the gravitational pull of Marty Broduer

Highlight- The last line spoken by The Bluejacket sounds like he just wants sex and beer after a successful day. Don't we all?

Lowlight- Every other line spoken by The Bluejacket

The Bruin vs. Dr. Mayhem- a generic brain-in-a-glass-bubble-on-his-head type villain that wants to *yawn* enslave every person in Boston.

Highlight- "Now just sit there and wait for the cops-if you can bear it!" PUNS!

Lowlight- The dude with a huge brain really things that upping his robot henchmen from one to two will stop the Bruin. Way to use the pre-frontal cortex on that one, Einstein.

The Canadien vs. motorcycle bandits- some crazy imbeciles are trying escape Le Habitant by cruising their crotch rockets through a grand prix race.

Highlight- The Canadien does not set fire to anything after his minor victory.

Lowlight- French Canadian school systems must be terrible, apparently 9+30=50,000

The Canuck vs. Velvet 9- a green-haired vixen who racially profiles a Middle Eastern man and decides to capture him for his oil fortune.

Highlight- Sexual undertones of S&M what with the Canuck ending up in bondage and promising Velvet 9 a velvet jail cell.

Lowlight- Much like with Aquaman, the Canuck had his sea-fairing friends do all the work, calling into question animal cruelty laws and setting PETA on edge.

The Capital vs. Refuse-an anthropomorphized garbage pile that is out to kidnap Barack Obama...after he checks out the museums.

Highlight- We don't have to hear what SKREEEEK sounds like, though I'm assuming you could hear it at any Justin Beiber concert.

Lowlight- Unfortunately, the Capital wasn't around to save any presidents before George W. Bush.

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The Coyote vs. Dezert Rats- think Mad Max meets Sons of Anarchy, they're generally up to no good, apparently.

Highlight- By far the most animal mentions out of all the Guardians. Covers dogs, rats, horses, coyotes, and of course, random sand dinosaurs, the most rare and beautiful of all pre-historic creatures.

Lowlight- If the desert sand is truly part of the Coyote, I feel very bad for his lady friends.


The Devil vs. ...Gravity?-while some nameless and uneducated thugs try to shoot...some...stuff(?) a bus somehow falls and it's up to the Devil to save those kids.

Highlight- Even the Guardian of a team in last place knows that there's no power more greater than the power of grammar!

Lowlight- Apparently the traffic in the air above the NJ roadways are too clustered to be certain the Devil will catch the nameless "mooks."

The Duck vs. Jellifish-a purple sea witch, who terrorizes rich people on the Pacific and who, despite the fact that she's purple, is decidedly not human.

Highlight- Shark repellent does, in fact, work on jellyfish or women named Jellifish.

Lowlight- Supervillan thwarted by a net...that story is full of holes.

The Flame vs. Harridans- hot chicks from outer space with feelers coming out of their foreheads.

Highlight- Feeling that the term "mother ship" was overly clichéd, The Flame makes the brilliant choice to call it a "Mama ship" instead.

Lowlight- The Flame vs. Women...did they not see how wide open they left the door for gay jokes, or did they just not care?

The Flyer vs. Benjamin Franklins- those crazy Bennies are trying to steal the very legal tender that bares their resemblance.

Highlight- We finally get to see the Titanium Eagle...and his name is Wanamaker!

Lowlight- Ben Franklin crossing the Delaware? Did I miss that day of American History?

The Hurricane vs. The Cape Fear Fiend- a dastardly villain who is literally going to make it rain.

Highlight- The Hurricane, stops a hurricane. The irony is delicious.

Lowlight- You have to buy the replacement warranty! C'mon! That's rule one of evil technology purchasing!

The Islander vs. Salamander- a misunderstood villain that just wanted to recreate the movie Deep Impact.

Highlight- With H20 moving abilities coming standard, the Islander is a steal at twice the price!

Lowlight- You can never find a good oceanic towing service when you need one.

The King vs. Hitchcock- a reference to Alfred Hitchcock, the director...get it? Because they're in LA.

Highlight- Hitchcock's nomination (though self-realized) makes more sense than Burlesque being nominated for a Golden Globe.

Lowlight- While saving the day, The King costs the good people of Los Angeles countless dollars in street repair taxes over the next 10-15 years.

The Lightning vs. Captain Spike and the crew of the Red Maurader- Pirates that want to steal gems and cleverly plan their heist to coincide with Pirate week in Tampa...apparently that's a thing.

Highlight- The Tampa bystanders are incredibly organized and simultaneously yell a coherent sentence all at once.

Lowlight- The lucky bystander that gets a kiss from the Lightning is going to have one hell of a case of the frizzies after smooching.

The Maple Leaf vs. Spectra- a diamond thief with a Technicolor dream coat.

Highlight- Copious amounts of male genitalia jokes to be made.

Lowlight-  The cops in Toronto do not know how to color coordinate.

The Oilder vs. Bitumen- an oil hungry...thing(?) that looks an awful lot like Refuse.

Highlight- By staying up to date on his oil changes, The Oiler won't void his warranty and thus is still covered bumper to bumper for the next year.

Lowlight- "Gonna suck up some sweet crude." /facepalm

The Panther vs. Mudfoot- who is a poorly designed cross between Man-Thing and Swamp Thing with the face of an iguana.

Highlight- Invisible protagonists make for riveting action sequences.

Lowlight- On one page the villain is referred to as Mudfoot, on another he is Mudcat. Who's doing the editing? Collin Cambell?

The Penguin vs. Rivet- a steel-jawed terrorist that doesn't just burn bridges, he tries to blow them up.

Highlight- The Penguin is bringing "zowie" back into popular vernacular. I think we all agree this is long overdue.

Lowlight- Rivet just wanted attention, the city ignored him. How dare you Pittsburgh, crazy mad bombers need love too!

The Predator vs. Airwave- Crazed stalker of blond country singers, or your normal red-neck.

Highlight- "A range over three octaves...makes my fur stand on end." Nick Cannon finally has a comic hero he can relate to.

Lowlight- If the Predator continues to be so impatient with Airwave's stutter, the poor guy won't ever get the confidence to overcome it.

The Ranger vs. Time Squared- a megalomaniacal genius out to stop time and rob the Big Apple.

Highlight- The first time that hockey is even remotely referenced (If you go through these alphabetically, as I did)

Lowlight- That hockey reference is the glow-puck from Fox.

The Red Wing vs. car thieves/kidnappers- these lousy criminals don't know to check the backseat for kids before committing grand theft auto.

Highlight- Red Wing Airlines has the lowest rates north of the Mason Dixon line.

Lowlight- The Red Wing interrupts what would become Baby's Day Out 2: Electric Bugaloo.

The Sabre vs. The Scarf- who's name is seriously the scarf. I mean really, it's the scarf. He wears a scarf and controls his scarf. A scarf.

Highlight- By far the best "that's what she said" of all the issues; "She'll never survive a pounding like that!"

Lowlight- The Scarf! Seriously, The Scarf. That's a super villain, a dude with a scarf.

The Senator vs. Magnicore- a spurned inventor whose patents were denied by the evil Canadian government.

Highlight- At least the Senators are relevant somewhere.

Lowlight- We all know the power of love defeats both the power of justice and the power of technology. Right, Huey Lewis?

The Shark vs. Gigabyte- a mad tech-junkie that wants to download information from a cable on the bottom of the sea, allowing him to throw the economy into disarray.

Highlight- More wonderful genitalia jokes! They're about eels this time.

Lowlight- Um...Gigabyte...the economy is already pretty shot, dude.

The Star vs. Fission- a crazy purple dude covered in Kirby crackle that has no real agenda beyond destruction.

Highlight- The Star does not use his catch phrase "There's a new sheriff in town."

Lowlight- The Star does not use his catch phrase "There's a new sheriff in town."

The Thrasher vs. unidentified bogies- Seriously they don't even try to explain what's threatening the Globemaster.

Highlight- The UFO that's stealing the Globemaster looks familiar from the other comics and creates a continuity throughout the universe. You know what that means...a line-wide event that will lead to 14 tie-in titles per month! Each costing only $3.99!

Lowlight- The whole comic is The Thrasher catching a plane and landing with it.

The Wild vs. The Threatener- he's the only threat we need to care about! That's him talking there, not me. I don't care about him at all.

Highlight- "Sirens...the cops are here. This is the luckiest night of your life, loser! WILD OUT!" Score one more for Nick Cannon!

Lowlight- He doesn't care if the billion dollars he asked for is in USD or Canadian dollars. Really dude? It makes a difference you know. It's not just a color and portrait preference.

This item was written by a member of this community and is not necessarily endorsed by <em>Broad Street Hockey</em>.

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