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Flyers 5, Hurricanes 1: The Deflowering of Scott Laughton

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In sports things, misery loves company. The Hurricanes are worse than we are!

Today, Scott Laughton was deflowered.
Today, Scott Laughton was deflowered.
Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

Hi, you guys! I came back, and the Flyers won a hockey game! Coincidence? Yes! Let's all enjoy it though because life is too short not to stop and smell the roses that you stole from the garden of a team that can't play hockey for shit.

  • All the Flyers scored goals today. First Sean Couturier scored, then Matt Read scored, then both teams left for a while, then Jakub Voracek scored, then Scott Laughton scored, then Michael Raffl scored. According to my checklist, that is every single Flyer. Pretty cool to get everybody involved, like how the Backstreet Boys always gave each guy at least one solo line in most of their songs. *NSYNC never did that. Fuck you, J.C. Chasez.
  • Despite getting paid a whole lot of money to score, it turns out Scott Laughton had never scored before today. It had to be getting awkward. But he popped his cherry at long last tonight, finding afternoon delight and smiling broadly as his colleagues congratulated him. Within minutes, though, he had to fall into the NHL lockstep of gameface. When I score my first NHL goal, I'm going to keep smiling until a close friend or relative dies. It's hard work scoring, and you should be encouraged to enjoy it more.
  • Newsflash: Steve Mason is and will remain the best player on this team. He's so underrated and good at hockey. I like him.
  • A win is a win, even when it comes against a terrible team, especially when the Flyers themselves are a substandard hockey team. It can only help. Winning, like the mumps, is contagious.
  • Now I'm not a doctor, so I had to Google what mumps symptoms are, because I had no idea. According to Dr. Wikipedia, adult men who have the mumps have a 15-20% chance of orchitis, which is a "painful inflammation of the testicles." Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh whhyyyyyyyyyy. Next time you see an NHL player, you guys, pray for his testicles.
  • Do you know who is losing less than they used to? The Flyers! They haven't lost in regulation in five games, which is their longest such streak of the season. In other news, this season has been pathetic. It's getting better, but it's still a long way to go to warm over this turd.
  • I got a Facebook friend request during this game from some woman who I have never heard of. I have one mutual friend with her, a guy who I worked with one summer at Kinko's eight years ago. WHAT DOES SHE WANT FROM ME.
  • Dull doesn't begin to describe that third period. There were almost no chances, and the game wasn't even remotely close. If I'm Gary Bettman, I make a rule where a team is encouraged to forfeit when trailing in the regular season. If there had been no third period, then everybody could have gone home and checked themselves for mumps a lot quicker. That was a dangerous incubation period we were forced to sit through.
  • I'm a lot of things in life, but I am very much NOT "Up For Whatever," even if I happen to be holding a Bud Light. Sooner or later, those commercials are going to descend into a harrowing social experiment where the poor bastard named Eddie they kidnap is brought into a room and told to kill a guy. This will be aired live during the Super Bowl, and he'll feel so much peer pressure, and guilt that he'd be violating the "Up For Whatever" pledge by not pulling the trigger. But then, as he finally succumbs, it will turn out just to be one of those goofy prop guns where a little flag that says "POW!" pops out of the barrel, and everyone will laugh. Except Eddie. Eddie will never be the same.
  • The top scorer in the National Hockey League at this moment is Jakub Voracek. Jeff Carter, who we traded him for, also did that once upon a time. I guess we can finally throw out the receipt on that trade.

No, he really obviously did.

As is the deal with me at BSH, I'm around until this team loses. Then I slink back into the woods when it's a new moon, not to be seen again for months. Hopefully I'll stay awhile this time. Go Flyers.