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The Rangers totally cheated, you guys

And I have the proof.

Jason Akeson found out about this, and totally flipped out.
Jason Akeson found out about this, and totally flipped out.
Bruce Bennett

If you’re anything like me, something just doesn’t seem right about last night’s Rangers victory.  It turns out my suspicions are warranted.

I woke up this morning like we all did -- depressed, hungover, and strangely naked even though I totally went to bed with clothes on. After my morning run (by run I mean "breakfast so large no human should eat it") I got to thinking – just how in the hell did the Rangers pull off a victory here? It’s not like both teams are slightly above average and this series could have gone either way. It’s not like we at Broad Street Hockey overwhelmingly thought the Rangers would win this, either.

Something smelled fishy, and I’d be damned if I didn’t uncover what was the source of that stench.

So I took off my Trusted Reporter™ knickers, slipped on my Sleuthy Detective™ powdered wig, and got to digging. After some good old-fashioned police work, I’ve come to the shocking conclusion that the Rangers totally cheated, you guys.

Here’s the evidence.

EXHIBIT A: DAN CARCILLO SCORES GOALS NOW, APPARENTLY

When Dan Carcillo scored in Game 3, we were all a little shocked. Teams don’t sign Carcillo to one-year deals to score goals, they do it because of his remarkable ability to be a liability every time he hits the ice.

But we let that go, primarily because it’s the playoffs and I guess anything can happen. But having "Carcillo" score two times in one series? You’re not fooling anyone, New York, and I have proof of foul play.

Stick with me here. Dan Carcillo’s number is 13. 1+3 = 4. 4*2 (the number of "Carcillo" goals) = 8. 8+1 (the number of Stanley Cups the Rangers have won in the past 70 years) = 9. Double that (just because) and you have 99.

And there’s your smoking gun. That wasn’t Dan Carcillo at all – it was Wayne Gretzky posing as Carcillo to give the Rangers an extra boost. And you thought you’d get away with it, too, Rangers. Tsk tsk tsk.

EXHIBIT B: UGLY GOALTENDER HENRIK LUNDQVIST PLAYS WELL

In the middle of this series, Broad Street Hockey Senior Investigative Reporter Ben Rothenberg dropped a bombshell of a report proving that Henrik Lundqvist is in fact an ugly human being. His hair is sticky, he has photos that are pixelated, and once had braces.

It’s a widely known hockey fact that ugly goaltenders are bad goaltenders. But Henrik Lundqvist wasn’t bad in this series -- he posted 91.9% save percentage, and let in only 14 goals. How do we explain the fact that the ugliest goaltender known to man performed so well?

It’s simple, really, and I’m surprised it took me so long to realize it -- at some point in the series (probably after being pulled in Game 6), Henrik Lundqvist had plastic surgery. I don’t have any proof of that, per se, but I dare you to present evidence to the contrary. You just can’t.

EXHIBIT C: RICK NASH NOT SCORING IS A FALSE FLAG

This isn’t so much a new piece of evidence. It’s more of an explanation as to how the above could have happened without us or the Liberal Mainstream Media noticing.

So many words were said and written about how Rick Nash -- a dynamic goal scorer -- was unable to score in this series. Day after day, people would whine about how Nash lacks heart and needs to get on the scoreboard.

As it turns out, Nash was instructed by coach Alain Vigneault to not score. If you don’t think about it too much, it makes perfect sense. Get the media laser focused on an underperforming superstar, that way they miss Wayne Gretzky being snuck into the locker room and don’t notice that Henrik Lundqvist has booked an appointment with Dr. Zizmor. This was simply a classic false flag operation, and one that the Rangers executed beautifully.

*****

So there you have it. Definitive proof that the Rangers resorted to cheating in order to win this series. You’re welcome, America.

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