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Picking individual goal songs for every member of the Philadelphia Flyers

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A breakdown of what the Flyers might choose as individual goal songs, and what I, the supreme overlord of all, believe should be their individual goal songs.

two thousand words about goal songs and not one mention of party hard, im ashamed of myself
two thousand words about goal songs and not one mention of party hard, im ashamed of myself
Bruce Fedyck-USA TODAY Sports

This season the Vancouver Canucks had a brilliant idea to give their players the chance to pick individualized goal songs. That's right. For every player on the team, there is a separate, personalized goal song. What. A. Game-changer.

The Flyers have had some solid goal songs in the past (and some not so solid ones), but there is no doubt that letting players choose their own song would be even cooler.

Searching high and low and thinking critically about each and every player on the Flyers roster, I've compiled a list of songs I believe the Flyers would pick given the opportunity, and a matching song that I think they should choose.

Without further ado, let's jump right in:

Claude Giroux

The song he would pick: "Wild Boy" by MGK, featuring Waka Flocka Flame

Claude Giroux is indeed a wild boy. That is a well-known and much publicized fact. Plus, when Giroux is pissed off, is there a lyric in music that sums him up better than WFF's "I'm so motherfuckin' violent"? No. There isn't. I could make a montage of all the times he's broken sticks in frustration and utter rage. It's incredible. Giroux is on record as picking "Big Jack" by AC/DC as a walk-out song, but that is much different than a goal song, so I think this is what he would pick.

The song he should pick: "Thank God I'm A Country Boy" by John Denver

It's essentially Giroux's anthem, what with him singing it drunkenly at karaoke any chance he gets. It fits him and his spirit so well. You can't argue that. You might argue, perhaps, that it's not an appropriate goal song. Fair. To counter, I posit this: it's the goal that makes the celebration, not the song. So even if friggin' John Denver started blasting over the speakers after G scored, I would go wild, even going so far as to shout praise to God that I am a country boy, despite the fact that I am very clearly a suburb girl.

Jakub Voracek

The song he would pick: "Hungry Heart" by Bruce Springsteen

Jake is vocal about his appreciation for Bruce Springsteen's music and nothing else besides Bruce Springsteen's music. That's a man I can stand behind. Anyhow, I think Voracek would choose Hungry Heart because he is desperate to score and desperate to be loved again. Chin up, soldier. It's gonna happen any day now.

The song he should pick: "Born to Run" by Bruce Springsteen

I like to think that Born to Run was written about Claude Giroux and Jake Voracek, how they're going to break free of all the chains, break down all the obstacles someday, and run all the way to the Stanley Cup Final. And guess what? My dream is real. It's gonna happen. I believe it with every fiber of my being.

Michael Raffl

The song he would pick: "Animals" by Martin Garrix

An EDM classic. Eurotrash like Raffl eats that shit up.

The song he should pick: "Delirious" by Steve Aoki

Every single thing Michael Raffl does makes me delirious. It's fitting. Also, I found Michael Raffl's Spotify, and a version of this song was on a playlist called "Copter". I shit you not. He has a playlist named after himself. I feel faint.

Sean Couturier

The song he would pick: "Tip It On Back" by Dierks Bentley

Coots seems like he would like country because he is 1) a hockey player and um, yeah, that's pretty much it.  This song isn't that bad. I'm okay with it. It's one of the more upbeat Dierks Bentley songs. So that's good.

The song he should pick: "Drag Me Down" by One Direction

Is it a stretch to think that Sean Couturier would like One Direction? Yes. Do I give a shit? No. This song is very good for Couturier, because no matter who you saddle him with, he will always shine. He is starlight. He is goodness. He can handle absolutely anything. Nothing can drag him down! I love Sean Couturier.

Wayne Simmonds

The song he would pick: "HYFR" by Drake

This is one of my favorite songs, and thinking about Wayne picking it as his goal songs gives me such joy, you have no idea. Seriously though, it wouldn't surprise me if Wayne's pick was something from the 6 God, especially not a song as awesome as this.

The song he should pick: "Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne

Obvious joke is obvious, but I don't care, it's too perfect. Imagine Wayne Simmonds scoring one of those signature ugly goals, just whacking away at a goalie's pads until the puck magically squeaks through, and fucking Ozzy Osbourne comes on. The Wayne Train is making all stops to Goal City, my friends.

Matt Read

The song he would pick: "16 Dollars" by Volbeat

I've known Matt Read as a player for several years now, and there are few things that I know about him. He's a good player, he's a dad, and he's a finisher. Thinking about what song he would pick was like shooting fish in a barrel, but only if the barrel I was shooting at had no fish. Why would you keep fish in a barrel anyhow? Set them free.

The song he should pick: "New Shoes" by Paolo Nutini

Matt Read had a bad season last year. He hurt his foot. Now he's good! His foot is better! He probably got some new shoes.

Brayden Schenn

The song he would pick: "Hey Brother" by Avicii

I'm not convinced that Brayden Schenn is a particularly creative individual, so I think he'd go for something obvious. What's more obvious than a song about brothers, when he, Brayden Schenn, has a brother on the team?

The song he should pick: "It Could Have Been a Brilliant Career" by Belle & Sebastian

Brayden Schenn's the worst, isn't he? (I am totally kidding.) (Am I?) (Will you ever know?) (No. You won't. Because every year people go from thinking Brayden Schenn's a disappointment to thinking he's okay, and guess what? I'm not gonna be wrong about it anymore. I'm keeping all Brayden Schenn opinions to myself from now on because I wanna end up on the right side of history on this.)

Sam Gagner

The song he would pick: "Summertime Sadness" Remix by Lana Del Rey, Cedric Gervais

Something about Sam Gagner is distinctly dreamy. I think he'd probably dig Lana Del Rey, especially a techno remix.

The song he should pick: "Look At Me Now" by Chris Brown feat. Lil Wayne, Busta Rhymes

Arizona treated him like dirt in my professional opinion, and look at him now! On an awful Flyers team! Shows them, eh?

R.J. Umberger

The song he would pick: "Go the Distance" from Disney's Hercules

After fan favorite and ultimate Good Guy Scott Hartnell was traded, people were not happy about Philadelphia Flyer R.J. Umberger being an accurate proper noun. Umberger was essentially the weak, clumsy, awful version of Hercules. Everyone was very displeased. I think Umberger is fixing himself up to be the big, strong, cool version of Hercules this season. He wants Go the Distance to be his anthem.

The song he should pick: "Ollie Falls Asleep" by Berlinist

This is such a great lullaby, and Old Man Umberger would for sure love this song. It's really delightful.

Scott Laughton

The song he would pick: "Seven Nation Army" by The White Stripes

Laughton is a serious boy with serious eyebrows. He doesn't care about goal songs. He cares about scoring goals. He would leave the selection up to someone else. Something average. Scoot don't care.

The song he should pick: "When I Grow Up" by The Pussycat Dolls

"When I Grow Up" is all about the possibility and hope of the future. What better song could you get for a boy like Scott Laughton! And god, isn't this song awesome? I love it.

Ryan White

The song he would pick: "Work REMIX" by A$AP Ferg, feat. A$AP Rocky, French Montana, Trindad James, Schoolboy Q

The image that is clearest in my mind's eye when picturing Ryan White is him pumping himself up in front of a mirror, singing this song, belting out "put in work, put ‘em in the dirt" at his own reflection. A good choice by him, because I love this song.

The song he should pick: "Ain't No Rest for the Wicked" by Cage the Elephant

Ryan White is scary, and perhaps, in some ways, maybe a bit wicked. But that's what Ryan White has to be to survive in this league. That's what he'll be until he can't be it any longer. There ain't no rest for the wicked, baby.

Chris VandeVelde

The song he would pick: "Born In the USA" by Bruce Springsteen

Something about Vandevelde screams "Good American Boy". Maybe it's the American thing. I don't know. I know he'd dig this song though. It'd get everyone so pumped up, especially CVV! A crowd pleaser!

The song he should pick: "Every Time We Touch" by Cascada

I'm not gonna get weird here, but Chris VandeVelde is a good looking guy. Top five on the team. I'm into him is what I'm saying.

Vinny Lecavalier

The song he would pick: "Alive" by Sia

Vinny wants people to know he's still around, still kicking, still playing hockey! He'll throw a hip check! He'll throw a punch! He'll throw himself into the goal! He'll throw himself into a cannon like one of those circus acts! He doesn't care. He'll do anything to get people's attention. He just wants people to know he's ALIVE.

The song he should pick:  "Roll with the Changes" by REO Speedwagon

It's hard to see someone fall so spectacularly from grace, but at this point in his career, most of us just want Vinny to move on. You're a different man now, Vinny. Cope with that. We all have.

Taylor Leier

The song he would pick: "Can't Tell Me Nothing" by Kanye West

This is me just spitballing here, but hear me out: Taylor Leier is very good friends with Tyrell Goulbourne, if Instagram is anything to judge by. (Seriously, they have so many pictures together, it is unreal.) Tyrell Goulbourne has good taste in music, in my opinion. If Leier's hometown of Saskatoon is a clue, I'm assuming he would pick a traditional and dorky country song, BUT with Goulbourne's help, I believe Leier would choose something hip and effortlessly cool, like the Kayne West classic.

The song he should pick: "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morissette

I am convinced that Taylor Leier is the illegitimate offspring of one Vincent Lecavalier. I know. It's insane. How has no one noticed? I don't know. I've been yelling about it for a year now. Regardless, it's obvious that Leier is here to replace his father. What better goal song than the ultimate anthem of rejection, replacement, and anger? Why won't you love him, Vinny? Why won't you acknowledge him? There's a lot of emotion there.

Pierre-Edouard Bellemare

The song he would pick: "Uma Thurman", as recorded by the Vitamin String Quartet

Pierre-Edouard is a very classy man, as we all know. He'd pick something classy. Uma Thurman is a good song, I don't care what anyone says, and also it sounds great by a string quartet. Very classy, folks.

The song he should pick: "Pop That" by French Montana, feat. Rick Ross, Drake, Lil Wayne

This song goes so hard, and for that alone, I think it should be the Notorious PEB's song. Similarly, it's by a guy called French Montana. PEB is French. I know, I'm reaching here. I don't care. This is gold.

Mark Streit

The song he would pick: "Africa" by Toto

Mark Streit seems like a guy who would like soothing, happy tones. Let me paint you a picture: Streit comes home after a particularly tough day, puts on a face mask (specifically Peter Thomas Roth's 24K Gold Mask Pure Luxury Lift & Firm Mask), and then decides to get out his foot bath and go for a soak. What song is he listening to? Africa. Crankin' up the Toto.

The song he should pick: "Candy" by Mandy Moore

Firstly, Streit is a sweet, sweet man. You can tell from his kind eyes. He wouldn't hurt a fly. Secondly, remember Mandy Moore? This song is such a jam.

Michael Del Zotto

The song he would pick: "Womanizer" by Britney Spears

This is the song that Michael Del Zotto wants to be about him. That's because it's essentially a song about Tyler Seguin, who, as we all know, Michael Del Zotto aspires to be. Naturally, I think he'd choose a song that highlights all of the grossest parts about the person he would like to be, which you could argue makes him even grosser. Womanizer would be the obvious choice.

The song he should pick: "Hotline Bling" by Drake

Hotline Bling is a song about an insecure man who desperately wants a girl to stop being happy without him. That, to me, seems like a very MDZ thing.

Luke Schenn

The song he would pick: "Stitches" by Shawn Mendes

Truth be told, I think Luke Schenn would want to pick a slow and melancholic country song as his goal song, but would be persuaded to pick something different by the PR people, something mainstream, upbeat, and pop-y.

The song he should pick: "Walkin' on Sunshine" by Katrina & The Waves

Luke Schenn's smile is a ray of sunlight in dark times. Sure, he's not the best defenseman. No one's pretending he is. But gosh, looking at him makes me happy. Something about Luke Schenn is calming. When he scores, I'm gonna start screaming this and I don't care who's nearby. Actually, I hope they join in. Spread joy. Celebrate Luke Schenn whenever you can.

Nick Schultz

The song he would pick: "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" by the Crash Test Dummies

Aurally, this song is Nick Schultz. Just one long, low, sad note.

The song he should pick: "Highway to Hell" by AC/DC

Personally, it is my humble belief that this choice speaks for itself.

Radko Gudas

The song he would pick: Complete and total silence

What do bearded Czechs with angry eyes like? Nothing. I believe he'd choose absolutely nothing for his goal song, and everyone would be too shocked and scared to challenge him on it.

The song he should pick: "Chop Suey!" by System Of A Down

Chaotic and scarier on the outside than it is on the inside, SOAD fits Gudas perfectly.

Brandon Manning

The song he would pick: "Anything Goes" by Florida Georgia Line

Brandon Manning probably likes country music, so I went to the Country Top 40 and picked the current No. 1 on that list. I am most likely correct.

The song he should pick: "Migraine" by Twenty One Pilots

I picked this song for Manning simply because watching Brandon Manning play hockey gives me a migraine.

Shayne Gostisbehere

The song he would pick: "Lose Yourself" by Eminem

I'm not pretending to know a whole hell of a lot about Ghost's musical taste, or even him at all. He's kind of soft-spoken, I've noticed. It's easy to assume that a 22 year old white kid from Florida likes Eminem, though. That's what I've chosen. Deal with it.

The song he should pick: "Ghostbusters" by Ray Parker Jr.

Dude. How funny would this be? Ghost scores a huge powerplay goal, the place goes nuts, and all of a sudden, friggin' Ghostbusters starts blaring? I love this idea. Someone submit this to corporate.

Evgeny Medvedev

The song he would pick: "The State Anthem of the Russian Federation"

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that this answer is a cop-out because I know nothing about Evgeny Medvedev besides that he's Russian, a member of the Philadelphia Flyers, and looks like he's a cross between Ilya Bryzgalov and Erik Gustafsson. And you're right. This is a total cop-out, and those are the only things I know about him.  Sorry. To be fair to me, since his injury, I literally forgot that he existed and he wasn't even listed here at first, so you're lucky I even bothered to rectify that error.

The song he should pick: "Party In The USA" by Miley Cyrus

Living in a new country is hard, so to aid in Medvedev's assimilation to this great nation, I chose an American themed (?) song. What's more American than pre-Bangerz Miley Cyrus? Only one thing: apple pie. And since apple pie is a food stuff and not a song, I picked a Cyrus classic.

Steve Mason

The song he would pick: "Hail to the King" by Avenged Sevenfold

There's a cool video that the Flyers did where Mason talks about his pregame routine and his pregame playlist. Predictably tons of country and lots of rock. Good stuff for a good boy.

The song he should pick: "My House" by Flo Rida

Steve Mason is the starting goaltender of the Philadelphia Flyers, and if he scores a goal, you better believe I'm gonna lose my mind screaming this song. It's Steve Mason's house, after all.

Michal Neuvirth

The song he would pick: "Galaxies" by Owl City

Truth be told, I can't detect what Michal Neuvirth's musical taste is. After looking through several Washington Capitals media guides with neither a hint nor a clue, I decided to assign him a song that I think he would enjoy.  What is more Michal Neuvirth than Owl City, the most delightful band of all time?

The song he should pick: "Hallelujah Chorus" by, uh, Handel

Michal Neuvirth is an angel sent from Heaven, so it feels appropriate that in the event that he scores, we sing out our praise for him.