It makes sense that the question on everyone's mind is when Jakub Voracek will score. The Flyers are desperate for his offensive gifts, and fans want to see more of what they saw last year. People aren't asking the more important question, though: why hasn't Jake scored?
It's human nature to try to explain what you can't understand. Here are ten theories from the deep recesses of my mind to account for Jake's drought.
1. Jagr's Network
It is absolutely no secret that Jaromir Jagr has been one of, if not the most dominant forward for the past two decades. What is a secret, though, is that he has acquired a network of young men from whom he periodically siphons talent, much like a hockey vampire. I'm not sure the specifics of how the talent transfer works, whether it's a literal or metaphorical transfusion. I'll leave that to the scientists to figure out. Anyhow, it seems like Jake is the latest offering, and honestly, I don't even mind too much. Jagr is dreamy.
2. The Multiverse Theory
Contrary to popular belief, I am not a theoretical physicist. The multiverse theory fascinates me, though. Wikipedia explains to us that the multiverse is "the hypothetical set of infinite or finite possible universes (including the Universe we consistently experience) that together comprise everything that exists." Wow. That's wild. I love it.
So, if we operate on the suggestion that the multiverse is real (and if it's good enough for Stephen Hawking, it's good enough for me), there is a universe where Jakub Voracek has scored one hundred goals already. In our universe, he has scored zero, confirming my suggestion that this is the shittiest universe ever created and I hate it.
3. His Hair
Something is different about Voracek's hair. It is considerably less fluffy compared to last season. Is it the stress of the season, of not scoring? Has he just switched to a different shampoo/conditioner routine? Or is it something more sinister going on behind the bangs? Does he have a Samson-esque relationship to his flow? Does he get less powerful when his hair looks bad? I don't know. All I know is that someone has to bring back the fluff. He's not the same without it.
Being Batman is exhausting, meaning it would be incredibly difficult to keep up a side career as an NHL star simultaneously. This is a fact. Ipso facto, Jake Voracek is Batman. Also, what's the one thing people would never expect Batman to do? Dress up as Batman in public. He's covering his tracks, you guys. It's the ultimate misdirection. This is real. I swear to god, it's real. I believe this one. Jake Voracek is Batman.
5. Trouble In Paradise
All power couples go through tough times. It's to be expected. When two dynamic, exciting, wonderful people get together, it's only natural that they bump heads occasionally. Could a row between Voracek and Claude Giroux really be the reason for Jake's lack of scoring? I think it's a distinct possibility. Maybe Jake said something about G's taste in music. Maybe G read Jake to filth for his likeness to a forty year old version of himself. It could be anything really. I'm still a firm believer in the power of love, so I think they'll eventually work things out.
6. IIHF Bunnies
When Voracek was awarded the Golden Hockey Stick for the first time this summer, he accepted the trophy while being accosted by the mascots of the 2015 IIHF World Championship, Bob and Bobek. They are very large Czech rabbits, and they were obviously very excited when Jakub won the award. This theory is based on the idea that, by hugging him so tightly, the bunnies actually squeezed out some of Jake's talent. If this theory proves to be true, I think the Flyers organization has cause to sue two giant plushy rabbits.
7. His Foot Hurts
Maybe his foot just hurts or something.
8. Snake Bitten
"Jake the Snake" is a common nickname for No. 93, and really, this theory strikes closer to home because of it. Everyone has been calling him snake bitten, but they don't understand how true it could be. Jake Voracek could have been bitten by an actual snake, which would explain his inability to score. It's very hard to put pucks in the net when you have a slow-acting venom running through your blood.
9. Invasion of the Body Snatchers
Have you seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers? That shit's dope. Okay, so, what if Body Snatchers is totally real? A jelly alien falls to earth, Jake Voracek is copied by a pod person, and the pod person tries to play hockey. Unfortunately, the pod person kinda stinks at hockey. Well, they don't stink, actually. They just can't score at the moment. I miss the old, Not Body Snatched Jakub Voracek. I don't know how to fix it. The movie was very unclear on that part, what with the world being taken over by the jelly aliens.
10. Alarm Clock
Jake's alarm clock must have never woke him up, and that's why he's missed the beginning of the season. Daylight saving can be a bitch. Let's hope the front office don't suspend him for this. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has those days.