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What if Star Wars was hockey, by a Drunk Person who has never seen Star Wars

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pls ignore i promise i know a lot about lord of the rings

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I have a confession to make. I have never seen Star Wars.

Well, that's not entirely accurate. I have seen exactly six minutes into the first Star Wars movie. A New Hope. See, I crushed that. Now that I'm thinking about it, though, I don't think it counts. Bottom line is that I have had three large beers and several glasses of apple pie sangria, and now I am ready to write about hockey in a roundabout sort of way, as is my wont.

Also, I am drunk! [Ed. note: This piece was, in fact, written prior to the afternoon of Monday, December 14.]

The premise of this collection of words is that I am going to pick out who would be who if the Flyers were suddenly cast into the Star Wars universe. Funny, right? I know. Hilarious. Super clever. I can't wait. You're gonna love it.

In order to preserve my severely basic knowledge of Star Wars that I've garnered through the simple act of Being Alive on this planet, I basically just grabbed a list of characters from Google with no descriptions at all. Just names and a few pictures. Then, I let my imagination and my shitty memory run wild:

Darth Vader

Darth Vader is Luke's dad. That much I am sure of. Besides that, I have a very slim knowledge of him as a person/robot? Wait, okay, what is Darth Vader exactly? Is he a person? Is he a robot? I'm not sure. This is off to a terrible start. Everyone is going to laugh, and not in the way I hoped.

But okay, how does procreation work if he is a giant robot? Oof. That's gotta be awkward. And he's evil, right? I know he does that chokehold thing, I've definitely heard of that. Based on my assumption that Darth Vader is evil, I am going to go ahead and assume that he is an evil robot who is trying to destroy the world, much like Andrew MacDonald, the newly reinstated Philadelphia Flyer.

Luke Skywalker

Luke is the ... hero? I guess? I don't know. He doesn't look very heroic. Plus, didn't he try to get it on with his sister? Is this really the best humanity / spacekind have to offer? I am frightened for the state of universe. Since Luke's name is Luke and since Luke doesn't seem very valiant or anything, I am going to label him Luke Schenn. This might be incorrect. I don't care. If Luke Skywalker could save the world, so could Luke Schenn. Fight me.

Yoda

Yoda talks funny and is also green. That's what I know about him. No one on the Flyers is green. I know because I checked. If I had to call someone Yoda, it would be Ron Hextall. I know, I know. He's technically not a Flyer, but hear me out: I don't care about my own rules. I make them up as I go along. Ron Hextall is Yoda. We don't know what he means when he says words, and I am convinced that he is the smartest person alive.

Boba Fett

So...I'm at a loss here. I don't know who Boba Fett is. I mean, the name sounds familiar? I have heard those particular syllables in that order before, but that does me absolutely no good right now. He's wearing armor, so ... goalie? Steve Mason? I don't know. I'm sorry. This was an awful idea.

Princess Leia

The only thing I know about Leia is that one slave costume. Seems a lot like fan service to me. You know who else is fan service? Michael Raffl. Great face. Great hair. My favorite boy. I'm sorry to constantly bring this back to his looks, but come on. Look at him. I am swooning just typing about him.

Emperor Palpatine

I heard of him on an episode of Game Grumps. He's totally evil, right? NICK SCHULTZ. NAILED IT.

Han Solo

Han Solo, from what I know, is a total badass. Like, first of all, Harrison Ford. Whooooa mama. That is a handsome man, especially in his prime. And he shoots people, too! Totally badass. It's Claude Giroux. If Han Solo played hockey, he'd be chirping the pants off of every person on the ice. Heck, if Han Solo played hockey, he'd definitely try biting the player facing off against him. I know it. Can you dig it? I knew that you could.

R2-D2

I don't know much about this little robot besides the fact that he is very cute and he makes nice little beep-boop noises. I went on the Star Wars ride in Disney World, and he had a small cameo. It was cool. Anyhow, R2-D2 reminds me of Evgeny Medvedev because, although I doubt I could understand him, he is very good and I love him.

Jar Jar Binks

OKAY, NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE. Jar Jar Binks is fascinating to me because I love things that other people hate. Not out of spite or anything. It's just something that happens to me. Anyhow, Jar Jar Binks is like, the really doofy guy, but secretly he is pulling some major strings. That's right. I've heard the Jar Jar Binks theory. And while, I don't understand what it means, I know that it boils down to the fact that he is crazy talented (?) and crazy cool (?). Sean Couturier. Please don't hurt me.

Obi Wan Kenobi

He's basically a cool and wise person, right? So a lot like Yoda but less green? I give this to Mark Streit. He's a father figure. Obi Wan Kenobi looks like a dad. Everything's coming together.

Jabba the Hutt

Brayden Schenn, because cookies, cake, and frozen yogurt. If I had an unlimited supply, I'd look like Jabba too. This is too mean. I'm sorry.

C-3PO

His voice annoys me. I don't even like thinking about his stupid gold-plated self. Michael Del Zotto. Go to another planet please. Any other planet. Go to Hoth. That's right, I know Hoth. I played Battlefront II when I was fifteen. I know what I'm talking about here. A regular Star Wars genius.

Chewbacca

Radko Gudas is Chewbacca because 1) I've literally never heard him talk, and 2) he's got more hair on his body than he knows what to do with. Easy.

Darth Maul

I know this is a bad person or thing, but I don't know who/what it is. Nameless faceless evil? The Scott Hartnell trade. Shudder. Why is R.J. Umberger still here, haunting me? I know everyone is over this, but I'm not. It still hurts. I'm very sentimental.

Qui-Gon Jinn

Wait a gosh darn second, Liam Neeson was in Star Wars? What the fuck. No one told me this. I have to go watch immediately. This is ridiculous. I am the world's biggest Liam Neeson fan (maybe). I need to go. Bye. Qui-Gon Jinn is Jake Voracek.

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So there you have it. 15 Star Wars characters as Flyers. This is content that you were all dying for, I am sure. Go see the new Star Wars movie coming out next week. Or don't. Movie tickets are expensive and I am not the boss of you.