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Sharks 8, Flyers 2: We’re staring death right in the face

This was not a good game.

San Jose Sharks v Philadelphia Flyers Photo by Drew Hallowell/Getty Images

The Flyers are home. Gritty is making his regular season debut. There’s ice hockey in Philadelphia on a Tuesday night and goddamn it’s fucking October. I’ve been listening to Take Me Home, Country Roads for possibly an hour now and trying to figure out how to make it about the Flyers when I realized, with sudden clarity: I do not need to make this song about the Flyers. It already is about the Flyers.

Now, I’ve never been to West Virginia, nor have I felt the melancholic nostalgia of having lived there and called it home, but I do live in West Philadelphia. Sure, 40th and Market isn’t quite “country roads” but I do rely on the Market-Frankford Line to “take me home” most days. “Misty taste of moonshine?” How about a Citywide, John? This song physically is not about the Flyers, but it is spiritually so. Feel free to play it while you read this recap, then get distracted because you forgot how good it was, and you don’t really want to know how this game went anyway.

Did the Flyers take us home tonight? Well, sure. Sure, that’s what they did.

The first three minutes of this game were pretty cool. The Flyers dominated play, looked strong on the puck, and pushed hard on the Sharks in the offensive zone. It’s very Flyers to play dominant hockey and then immediately get scored on, so it truly felt like coming home when they gave up a disastrous 2-on-1 rush and let Logan Couture score on them. Well Logan, you may have just scored a goal, but you’ll always have that idiot face, and you can never change that.

11 seconds later, Joe Pavelski scored. Come on, what the hell.

The culprits here: our defense for sucking, Brian Elliott for letting in a questionable goal from Couture and a plain stupid goal from Pavelski, NBCSN for refusing to show us the home opener ceremony, God for turning his back on us, etc.

Moving on. Or trying to. I got really discouraged after that one.

Sharks almost scored again with a flurry of activity at the net, in a sequence that would end up in a penalty for the Flyers. Claude “deserves better than this” Giroux would go to the box for crosschecking, or something, I don’t know. I was only watching at this point because I had to. For you guys.

Hello, penalty kill, my old friend. They actually looked pretty good here. Of all the things I’m worried about for the Flyers this season, I can safely say for the first time that the penalty kill isn’t really one of them.

After a handful of scoring opportunities for the Flyers, they would get their first power play of the night off a delay of game penalty by Timo Meier. Typically, I would say that I think that is the dumbest penalty in sports, easily one of the most embarrassing rules the NHL has, a complete detriment to the game, etc., but everything is fair game when the Flyers are down by two. A power play off a questionable rule? You know I’ll take that shit, gladly.

The ensuing power play looked pretty good through the first half, but it fell apart midway through. Interesting how that works, it’s like we have a bad second unit or something???? They didn’t score. I have a bottle of tequila just sitting next to me, lying in wait.

Pavelski scored a goal that almost was not a goal, because we all thought it had just been a really sick save by Elliott. That’s funny. They reviewed the play and the camera showed that, surprise! It crossed the line entirely. Elliott did not, in fact, come up with a killer save. That’s 3-0 Sharks, fellas.

The Flyers continued to be a disaster away from the puck. Offensively, they had some opportunities that looked promising, but the defense was often to blame. Elliott himself looked shaky on the first two goals, but he was forced to shape up quick once he saw that his defense wouldn’t be bailing him out all night, and started to look fairly solid. At least someone out there was awake.

Mikhail Vorobyev took a hooking penalty at 14:47. The following penalty kill looked pretty good right up until the moment it was not good, which was just a few seconds before it was over, and Evander Kane scored a goal off a skate deflection. 4-0 Sharks.

Remember Take Me Home, Country Roads? Me too. God, me too.

AFTER ONE: 4-0 Sharks

The second period saw the Flyers doing much of the same: performing okay with the puck and straight garbage without it. I suffered a rage blackout at one point. Fun stuff ahead. Take me home...

The Flyers would get a power play opportunity gifted to them by Joonas Donskoi, who was called for interference at 4:05. I personally was looking forward to another disappointing power play so that I could have an excuse to do a shot of tequila on a Tuesday night, but the Flyers love to prove me wrong, as evidenced by the fact that I have said “they’ll be fun to watch this year” three years in a row and have been absolutely wrong each time.

It was anything but disappointing. Shayne Gostisbehere, who was one of maybe three players who looked like they came to play tonight, got one past Aaron Dell, and my heart seized. Also, Giroux’s assist on that goal means we’re officially going streaking, baby. I will be keeping everyone nauseatingly updated on Giroux’s point streak henceforth.

So hey, not a shutout.

That goal gave the Flyers some serious endorphins, because they put together a nice burst of offensive energy immediately following it. It even kind of looked like they might do it again. They didn’t, of course, and instead took another penalty. God, I can’t believe I love these assholes. Robert Hagg would get called for tripping at 7:39, and I’m eyeing Jose Cuervo like he’s got answers for me or secrets for me to keep.

This penalty kill was good, though. I mean, they’ve been pretty decent all night. They even got a shorthanded opportunity out of this one from Scott Laughton, who has had a fairly strong game all night. Our good boys successfully killed the penalty, and immediately would get a power play of their own.

What is it with the Sharks and their delay of game penalties? I’ll take it, but damn. Justin Braun, who is in the running for the most white hockey guy name of all time, went off to the box, and to the man advantage we went.

I will not mince words here. That power play was utter dogshit. This is all I have to say about it, because it may as well not have happened:

Anyway, then we got another penalty. The refs were really feeling themselves. Radko Gudas would go to the box for interference at 12:40. He pleaded his case the best he could, but unfortunately he is Radko Gudas and basically a convicted murderer, so off to the penalty kill we went.

The Flyers penalty kill is just not something to worry about, guys.

However, their inability to clear the zone right after the penalty ended turned out to be an issue, as we would once again be subjected to a goal by Kane at 14:56. 5-1 Sharks.

I completely blacked out after that goal and can give you no description of how the rest of the period went. Sorry! Take me home...

AFTER TWO: 5-1 Sharks

Around this point, I found myself saying quietly under my breath, “Ah fuck, there’s an entire period left.”

A slashing call on Brenden Dillon just thirty seconds into the third would send the Flyers to another power play, which is something that only sounded good in theory. The power play looked better than their previous effort, but it still wasn’t anything special, and they gave up a shorthanded shot from Couture to boot.

Another penalty? Against the Flyers? Say it is not so. You wanna know how I feel about that?


Oh yeah, the power play, right. Tomas Hertl scored for the Sharks at 3:27. 6-1 Sharks. A guy on the live broadcast was heard screaming, “Fuck me!” I felt the exact same way. I was kin with that man, in that moment.

Has anyone here tried Alton Brown’s creme brulee recipe?

Braun would go to the box again for a penalty. Tripping or something. 4:13. Oh but maybe they’ll score??? They didn’t score.

Did you guys know it’s actually really easy to make a souffle even though it sounds fancy and you can do it in your coffee mug pretty easily??????? Literally only takes like 20 minutes. DM me for details.

We thought we had a goal, but we didn’t have a goal, because it was deflected in by a high stick, and therefore that doesn’t count as a goal, but I think they should have given it to us, because I’m a really good person and I work really hard, and it would be nice to see things go my way for once in my miserable life.

My stream stopped playing the game here. Maybe to protect me? I found another stream, but I contemplated not doing that.

Oh God, they all looked bad. Defense bad, offense bad, everyone so bad. This is the type of game that makes you think you don’t even like hockey. I can’t be diplomatic. I can’t even see the positives. Someone else will do that in a different article but you’re dealing with me tonight and I’m taking you all on this journey with me, this descent into complete chaos.

timo meier scored for the sharks. the time stamp was uhhh 15:21. lol its 7-1

look at this dog



penalty against the sharks at 17:00, dillon for holding. the wells fargo center erupted in surely sarcastic cheers. sixth power play of the night and an utterly useless one. they could score here and i wouldn’t feel a single emotion.

(they didnt score)

actually instead they gave up a shorthanded goal hahahahahahahahha

oh my fucking goddddddddd


ive never even heard of this guy before? his name is barclay goodrow?

wayne simmonds scored a power play goal and i didnt even feel a goddamn thing. wow its 8-2. its really 8-2

this game was so bad

AFTER THREE: 8-2 Sharks

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