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Paul Holmgren thinks that Paul Holmgren would be a great fit for the Flyers GM position

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Who’s the new GM? Well, look in the mirror. It’s you!

paul holmgren

Shortly after fielding a press conference about the firing of GM Ron Hextall, Flyers President Paul Holmgren was asked who his ideal candidate for the position of general manager would be.

Holmgren paused for a moment, thinking. “He’s got to have experience. The new general manager has to be someone who knows hockey and how it should be played.”

Holmgren took an abnormally long sip from his coffee mug, not once breaking eye contact with Philadelphia Inquirer writer Sam Carchidi.

“The new GM should be someone bold. Someone that isn’t afraid to take the next step. Someone that will take a chance on anything, be it an 85 year old Jaromir Jagr or a goaltender with a severe fear of bears.”

When asked if Holmgren was referring to himself, the Flyers’ president glared and took a deep breath before responding, “No, I am absolutely not talking about myself. My time as general manager is done. Now, until we hire a new one, the team may need someone to make some tweaks here and there. I may have to be that guy in the short term. Even though, I am that guy, and I’m looking for someone exactly like me to do the job, doesn’t mean that Paul Holmgren is going to once again be the general manager of the Philadelphia Flyers.”

The Rest of the Field

Here are my top five likely candidates to fill the Flyers GM position that are not a mascot or front-running candidate Paul Holmgren.

Chris Pronger

Chris Pronger is strong. Chris Pronger is devious. Chris Pronger would make a great GM.

Condoleezza Rice

If Condoleezza Rice can coach the Cleveland Browns, she can manage the Philadelphia Flyers! This is a no-brainer.

Dean Lombardi

Dean “Dino” “The Deanster” Lombardi knows how to work a trade, having acquired Vincent Lecavalier in his prime to help the Kings. He’s a natural fit, and I don’t care if he’s repeatedly been stated to not be a candidate.

Ron Hextall

Ron Hextall is an up and coming general manager in the NHL, having been known for his time assisting the Los Angeles Kings in their run to two Stanley Cups. Ron would be a great fit coming home to Philadelphia.

Bryan Colangelo

Colangelo is known for his work in the NBA, but his skills as an experienced general manager should transition well to the game of ice hockey. The Flyers are rumored to covet Colangelo’s ability to talk trash on his own team behind masterfully hidden Twitter accounts. It’s an unorthodox name worth watching.

It is extremely import to note that absolutely none of the above quotes are real. This is an entirely fake work of satire by an individual who could and should probably put his brainpower to better use. Thanks for reading!