Who needs video highlights, scouting reports and stat sheets when you can judge a prospect by the only thing that actually matters: his name. That’s right, a name is extremely important factor that is often overlooked when preparing for the draft. Do you really want to draft someone named Brayden Slowfoot or Steve Noughsave? Rarely will you get a breakdown like this, but I’ve scoured through more than 500 draft eligible players and have determined the following worthy of being selected on June 22-23, 2018. Will Ron Hextall be listening? Guess we will have to find out in a month.
1. Jett Woo, defenseman (Moose Jaw Warriors, WHL)
Too obvious for the top of the list? Probably. It’s such a great name. The “woo” has been embraced (for the better or worst) among attending fans in all of North American sports. Most see the chant as “really dumb” and I’m not going to disagree HOWEVER, to whomever drafts Jett (which ironically I hate the extra “t”) gets to transform that dumb chant to supporting a player and not whatever the hell it is for now.
2. Vit Seemann, defenseman (Chomutov Jr., Czech Jr.)
Yes, we’re going low-brow early because that is my, and every 12 year old’s, humor wheelhouse. It also doesn’t hurt that there is an unnecessary “n” in the last name. It makes me feel at home.
3. Jasper Weatherby, forward (Wenatchee Wild, BCHL)
Is he your butler or a 20 year old hockey player from Oregon? You tell me.
4. Blade Jenkins, forward (Saginaw Spirit, OHL)
Because you know, a hockey blade? But also it’s a name that if you told me you had a backwoods cousin named Blade Jenkins, I’d believe you.
5. Nathan Dunkley, forward (London Knights, OHL)
This is the perfect last name if you are good at sports and literally dunk on your competition. Perhaps he should have played the court sport, but dunking on fools in hockey sounds good too.
6. Angus Crookshank, forward (Langley Rivermen, BCHL)
Surprisingly not a rugby player, though does sound like someone you would immediately greet you after walking off the plane at the Glasgow Airport.
Editors note: come ooon, Hermione’s cat? Anyone?
7. Matthew Grouchy, forward (Quebec Remparts, QMJHL)
Matthew the Grouch, Grouchy Matthew. What an unfortunate last name, but wonderful for the rest of us.
8. Teddy Wooding, forward (The Rivers School “C”, USHS-Prep)
a.k.a. “Theodore Woodring”...yes that’s according to his EliteProspects profile. Either works, both are great, would draft.
9. Montana Onyebuchi, defenseman (Kamloops Blazers, WHL)
A prairie boy from Manitoba with an African last name and the first name Montana? Sign me up. I’d be calling him Big Sky.
10. Damien Giroux, forward (Saginaw Spirit, OHL)
11. Bode Wilde, defenseman (U.S. National U18 Team, USDP)
Wilke? Maybe. I think we are all ready to get a little wilde, BODE WILDE.
12. Arttu Nevasaari, forward (Karpat Jr, Finland Jr.)
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away... wait what was the droid we were looking for? This led me to see if I could find any “three” sounding names in prospect history and came across Jaizen Threefingers (not kidding).
13. Wyatte Wylie, defenseman (Everett Silvertips, WHL)
Is he Wyatt Earp or Wile E Coyote? Why would his parents name him this? Probably the most villainous sounding name on this list regardless.
14. Rickard Hugg, forward (Kitchener Rangers, OHL)
Hugg and Hagg on the same team, who says no? Probably Hextall (because it will take Hugg 10 years to make the Flyers and Hagg will be gone in the expansion draft). Also, I love the name Rickard because that is straight out of A Song of Ice and Fire. Hugg is Coming (not sorry).
15. Logan Cash, forward (Kimball Union Academy, USHS Prep)
I mean, come on the possibilities are endless here. You can go full X-MEN here and milk the Wolverine angle or you can make many word play/phrases off of Cash.
16. Nando Eggenberger, forward (Davos, Swiss)
Nando has the benefit of having a first name associated with a world-wide Portuguese chicken restaurant chain and the last name...also sounding like food? Now I’m hungry.
17. Nico Gross, defenseman (Oshawa Generals, OHL)
I kind of love the mash of up former Flyers great Nic Grossmann and Nico Hirscher (should of drafted).
18. Jan Sir, forward (Liberec Jr., Czech Jr.)
I will inevitably just call him Sir Jan if drafted by the Flyers. He’ll be royalty to whoever winds up drafting the kid.
19. Martin Bucko, defenseman (Pardubice Jr., Czech Jr.)
A name that sounds like it could be out of Bonanza and I can already hear the cowboy themed chants of “yipee-kay-yay”. If I were the Dallas Stars I’d be ALL OVER this buckaroo.
20. Alexander Alexeyev, defenseman (Red Deer Rebels, WHL)
Sometimes names can be awesome just based on their simplicity. In general Russian names are unique and hard to pronounce for our sluggish American tongues, but Alexander Alexeyev appears to be the state-side equivalent of John Johnson and that is adorable.