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Flyers 3, Red Wings 1: Someone made a blood sacrifice

Yes, the Flyers won again.

NHL: Philadelphia Flyers at Boston Bruins Bob DeChiara-USA TODAY Sports

Two games in two days against these same fools? I don’t like it. I had to watch Claude Giroux nearly get killed yesterday, and now I have to tune in once again like I didn’t just see attempted homicide against my real biological father? Insane. Who allowed this to happen? I need to speak to someone.

Anyway, there is no sugarcoating this, and so I will push ahead: the Flyers won. I know. I know, guys. Again! They won again. These guys are 12-1-1 in their last 14 games.

Who will atone for this? Whose blood has been sacrificed? How are we meant to make right the cosmic balance of the universe?

The Flyers won this game.

They won 3-1.

I don’t know, man.

Well, that was fast.

In just the second shift of the game, Wayne Simmonds took a direct order from God and fought Anthony Mantha, an act of righteous retribution. I have to say, I enjoyed it. It was fun for me personally to witness. Having a good time on this Sunday night, folks.

The Flyers came out the gate with a flurry of chances, looking like the promising team we saw (in deeply confusing increments) just yesterday. As someone who dislikes Detroit for absolutely no good reason at all whatsoever, I could only feel hopeful that I would get to witness another molly-whopping, this time in the Little Caesar’s Arena (lol).

I would be neglecting my duties here if I failed to mention the Andrew MacDonald turnover to none other than Mantha. My dude, don’t allow this. If I have to see Mantha score one more goddamn goal after the near-murder he committed on ice, I will quit hockey, as a hobby, as a concept, everything.

I was going to say that not a lot really went down in this period, but then Sean Couturier did some Sean Couturier type things, and almost single-handedly made a goal happen. Oskar Lindblom would get credit for the goal (deflected off a Red Wings player) at 15:48, but it was one of those patented “this-wouldn’t-have-happened-if” Couturier plays that really make you feel things in your soul. Remember when people thought he was bad? Complete fools, I say.

But really, other than that, I haven’t got much to say here. Sorry for breaking the mold.

AFTER ONE: 1-0 Flyers, shots 14-10 Red Wings; Flyers goal scored by Oskar Lindblom (15:48)

Through no fault of the Flyers (and I will go to court over this), Jonathan Bernier was replaced by Jimmy Howard, who is at least a hundred years old I think. It should really be no issue for the Flyers to score on a senior citizen, so this seemed like a pretty positive situation.

The Flyers, however, cannot resist making a fool out of me, and so this would be a pretty underwhelming effort by almost, uh, everyone. I will eat my words now.

Detroit received the first power play of the game on a hooking penalty called on Claude Giroux at 6:10. I want to say “nobody’s perfect” but that, I feel, would be simply disrespectful.

The ensuing penalty kill did not look very good. The Flyers spent almost the entire time collapsed in their own zone. This was the type of showing that looked ugly, but got the results they wanted, as the Red Wings would fail to score despite spending the vast majority of the man advantage in the Flyers zone.

When I said “underwhelming effort,” I truly meant it with every fiber of my being. Halfway through the second period, the good orange guys had only managed one single shot on goal. Somehow completely predictable, and yet infuriating. They never make it easy on anyone.

In a play that can really only be described as “imminent,” the tie goal would be scored by Darren Helm at 14:49, who was described as a veteran on the broadcast, thus forcing me to google him trying to understand why I’d never heard of him before in my entire life. Maybe I don’t pay enough attention. That could also be the case.

I’m sorry, guys. I know I’m not providing the in depth analysis you all so desperately crave. The truth is? This game is wildly boring.

AFTER TWO: 1-1, shots 26-19 Red Wings; Red Wings goal scored by Darren Helm (14:49)

Does anyone remember how dramatic people were being about Ivan Provorov earlier this season? I definitely recall something of the sort. Not me, however; I have never had an irrational thought in my life.

Anyway, I mention this because Provorov scored the go-ahead goal just two minutes into the third period on a play that didn’t seem particularly dangerous until it was. I will take just about anything here.

Even with the goal at 2:11, it really seemed like there was no possible way the Flyers could win this game. Further accentuating this feeling, Scott Laughton was called for hooking at 5:42; probably a weak call, but I’m more biased than anything as I believe I saw several missed penalties on the Red Wings throughout the game, and I love the Philadelphian conspiracy theory that the referees are against us (because it is true).

The penalty kill was, uh. Let’s say “lackluster” here. It looked like the only thing keeping the Flyers in the game was the play of—come on, you already know. Carter Hart was forced to make save after dangerous save, and he rose to the challenge as he is wont to do. God, I love this kid. I feel close to tears gazing upon his face. We have waited so long for you, our sweet son.

The rest of the period was, mostly, the Red Wings throwing stuff at Hart and having to bear witness to the new era of Philadelphia Goaltending. How disappointing for you guys. We are all living for the first time.

The Flyers had only managed three (3) shots on goal in the entire period by the final two minutes of the game, which is exactly when Howard went to the bench for the bonus attacker. I said out loud, “Oh, this is going to overtime.” For no reason in particular, the Red Wings looked like a dangerous and competent team, and we were certainly going to pay for our insolence. Mostly me, though. Mostly my insolence.

It did not go to overtime however, as the fourth shot on goal for the Flyers went right into the empty net. Lindblom took the easy credit and oh my God, wow, how did this happen. How did we all let this happen.

AFTER THREE: 3-1 Flyers, shots 38-23 Red Wings; Flyers goals scored by Ivan Provorov (2:11) and Oskar Lindblom (18:34)