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We need to talk about Claude Giroux


2019 NHL All-Star - Red Carpet Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images

Folks, I must admit that I am being haunted.

I started noticing just shy of a week ago. I saw no physical phantom, and yet I felt its chilling presence; I saw no apparition before my eyes, but the hairs on my arm would start to stand straight up, and I could feel something inhuman encroaching upon me, an itch I could not scratch, a cold dread I could not shake. It would happen as I sat comfortably in my bed, tucking in for the night, and it would happen as I slept. After many a restless night, I could not bear it any longer, and I sat down here to write this article.

Have any of you seen this?

Truly, it seems like just moments ago this was posted. It has been buried deep into my hippocampus, festering like a fetid wound, and I have thought of little else since I saw it.

I know what you are going to say. “This happened a week ago, and you are just now writing about it?” I know that some time has passed, and for many this tweet and the accompanying video have been completely forgotten. I envy those people. Honestly, I do. To have a normal brain that does not fixate on things must be a treasure, and I hope you cherish it. I cannot be so lucky.

Where the honest-to-god everliving fuck is Claude Giroux on this list?

I mean it. I am completely serious. Is this a joke to you? It isn’t to me. I am not joking. I am not laughing. This is an incredibly grim matter, and there is no smile on my face, nary even those little corner-of-the-mouth twitches when you feel like you’re about to smile, or even that brief exhale through the nose that you do when you’re sort-of laughing at something you see while scrolling through social media. None of that. I am angry. I feel deep, righteous fury.

This list is a mess. This is beyond a crime. You could make an argument for Claude Giroux over half of the players on this list. I mean, mother of God. Holy shit. What the hell.

Who made this list? Well, of course I know who made the list, as I watched the video that went with this grotesque tweet, brimming with an emotion I can only describe as violent. Okay, Sidney Crosby is untouchable. Alex Ovechkin, absolutely. Beyond that, however, it starts to get murky, and by the end of it I am filled with ennui.

The question I have is this: what does Claude Giroux have to do to get the respect he deserves from the league?

Claude Giroux could run into a burning building to save a young child and his puppy, and NHL Network would still hesitate to put him on their ‘Top 10 NHL Players Who Have Rescued a Young Child and His Puppy’ list. Claude Giroux could discover the cure for cancer, he could dismantle our failing economic system, he could end war and famine and bring the human race to a new age of prosperity, and people would still fall over themselves to talk about Sidney Crosby’s back-checking or something instead.

This is not the first time Claude Giroux has been snubbed by “official” NHL rankings and it will not be the last. There’s just something about the guy that people don’t like. Perhaps it is his overwhelming handsomeness in the face area, which I agree can be off-putting and blinding, much like staring into the sun, and people are afraid of that. It may be that he speaks like he’s got a load of marbles in his mouth. It could be his tiny eyebrows. I mean, the hypotheticals are endless here.

Anyway, here is my revised list of the Top 10 Active NHL Players To Play For Only One Franchise. Obviously, I am a Flyers fan, but in no way does that make me biased. I am absolutely capable of producing a fair and honest list. Something people often say to me is “Emily, you are so good at being impartial.”

Without further ado.

1: Claude Giroux

To no one’s surprise, least of all mine, Claude Giroux tops out this list. Remember when Peter Laviolette said he was the best player in the world? Goodness, he was right, and he continues to be right, and frankly hockey fans as a whole were wrong to mock him for speaking the truth.

2: Also Claude Giroux

Coming up next on this list is Also Claude Giroux, a no-brainer to me. Also Claude Giroux has two dogs named Charlie and Harvey, and they are just delightful.

3. Claude Giroux Again

I flip-flopped a little on where I ranked Claude Giroux Again, as you could easily make an argument that he and Also Claude Giroux could switch places on this list. It was a difficult decision to come to, but the truth is that both of these players are simply fantastic. Claude Giroux Again cried while reading his wedding vows, not only defying toxic masculinity but destroying the mere concept of it.

4. It Is Claude Giroux

It Is Claude Giroux may be a controversial pick for number four. You may be thinking at this point that I’m leaving out some important players, but I don’t think I am. It Is Claude Giroux is ranked third in points over the last eight seasons. Did you know that? It seems many people do not.

5. Sidne—No I’m Just Kidding It’s Still Claude Giroux

6. My Cat Whose Name Is Cashew

He doesn’t play hockey but he sure is swell and it’s simply not possible for me to leave him off this list.

7. Him (Claude Giroux)

Truly, this list would not be complete without Him (Claude Giroux), who had his cuffs hand-stitched with “GBaby” in orange lettering for the 2016 All-Star Game. Does anyone else remember that? I feel like I think about it twice-daily at least.

8. The Comforting Embrace Of A Close Friend (Also Claude Giroux)

After those two seasons where he slumped due to injury and the subsequent recovery from the surgery to fix said injury, The Comforting Embrace Of A Close Friend (Also Claude Giroux) made a miraculous comeback and went on to have a career season for the Flyers, finishing just behind Connor McDavid in the scoring race with 102 points. Hey stats Twitter from 2015 did you hear that? Did you hear about it. Did you hear about that season where he scored 102 points. It just happened. Do you remember. Do you remember that. It was just last season that it happened do you remember it.

9. Claude Giroux Let Me Die For You Please I Want To Do It My Whole Life I Have Spent An Immeasurable Amount Of Time Searching For The Right Person To Gift My Life Essence To

I hardly need to defend this one, as truly it is all in the name. You hear the name “Claude Giroux Let Me Die For You Please I Want To Do It My Whole Life I Have Spent An Immeasurable Amount Of Time Searching For The Right Person To Gift My Life Essence To” and you just think “elite.”

10. Carter Hart

Many people will say that it is too soon to say this and all those people are wrong, in my opinion, which is the only opinion worth listening to.

It’s hard to reconcile leaving off some of the league’s top players, like Claude Giroux Playing Beer Pong With Two Broken Wrists, My Dad (Who Is Claude Giroux), and Claude Giroux Regretting His Actions On Canada Day. It’s absolutely true that you could make a case for any of these players, and I’d find it hard to argue.

“Emily, aren’t you forgetting Sidney Crosby?” Don’t think so! Although I’ve done my best to be completely objective, it’s a simple fact that as human beings we are all going to have different opinions based on our own perceptions and biases. That is totally okay. But you’re wrong, just so you know. You are wrong. Despite what you were told in school or whatever, opinions can be wrong, and yours is wrong if you disagree with me on any topic, but especially this one.

Yeah, so Claude Giroux hasn’t won a Stanley Cup. Is that what this is really all about? What an absolutely ridiculous metric to rule by. You know who has won a cup? Like, four times? Fucking Chris Kunitz. Chris Kunitz! Put that guy on your list, you buffoons.

Well, I feel better now.