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No Man at the Weal - Flyers better without hapless center

The proof is in the pudding, the Flyers are better off without Jordan Weal

NHL: Calgary Flames at Philadelphia Flyers Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

Jordan Weal was traded from the Philadelphia Flyers to the Arizona Coyotes of Greater Glendale-Phoenix on January 11, 2019. Since that date, the Flyers have a record of 8-1-1. Is this a coincidence? Absolutely not. The Flyers rid themselves of a clubhouse cancer and are now reaping the rewards.

The internal drama with Jordan Weal started back in mid-October, according to Flyers’ right wing Wayne Simmonds. “Oh you know, Wealman (Weal) was just marching around the locker room being a dick. ‘I should be the captain! Why am I not first line center?’ He just kept ranting about stuff like that. It made guys uncomfortable.”

Former Flyers coach Dave Hakstol was found in a cave approximately 400 kilometers from Helisinki, Finland. Hakstol had traveled there in an attempt to rediscover the roots of hockey and innovate new ideas for his future coaching positions. When asked about his former third line center, Hakstol did not hold back. “Jordan Weal ruined my life,” the former Flyers coach stated while reviewing drawings of an early hockey player in a starfish position in front of his netminder. “Jordan encouraged me to keep dressing Dale Weise. He told me that you need to ride the hot hand in net, even when that hot hand isn’t playing all that well and has started 14 games straight already. Jordan Weal is a monster and I’m glad they made the right choice and got rid of him.” Hakstol then went back to consult his excavation partner, Chris VandeVelde, about an ancient sculpture representing a coach refusing to tell his players anything for their own good.

Ultimately, it was Flyers’ center Jori Lehtera who was hurt most by Jordan Weal. “Wealer (Weal) was so cruel. He bullied me. He called me slow. He would pull these pranks, like this one time he had (Flyers broadcaster) Bill Clement sarcastically call me an ‘all-star along the boards’. Weal knew it was my dream to play in the all-star game.” Lehtera, hysterical, could not continue with the interview and had to excuse himself.

There were other unfounded reports of Weal stealing clearly marked lunches from the shared refrigerator, Weal giving center Scott Laughton swirlies, and Weal defecating in Flyers mascot Gritty’s costume. One thing is clear: Jordan Weal was a widely disliked player in the Flyers’ locker room and it was his presence that was holding the team back from greatness.

It is extremely import to note that absolutely none of the above quotes are real. This is an entirely fake work of satire by an individual who could and should probably put his brainpower to better use. Thanks for reading!