Alain Vigneault has been the head coach of the Philadelphia Flyers for a little under a week and the verdict is in - he is, in fact, the head coach of the Philadelphia Flyers.
A scientific poll was conducted on Wednesday night at a number of downtown Philadelphia establishments, including Oscar’s, Locust Rendezvous, Dirty Frank’s, and a park bench at 11th and Pine. Numerous individuals of all ages, gender, and race were polled, but mainly anyone who wanted a Citywide Special.
I first spoke with Joey McCloskey, who was a fan of the signing. Joey was sipping Old Grandad while shooting darts at Dirty Frank’s, “I mean, he’s gotta be better than Hextall as coach, right? That guy...ya know? But, this Elaine guy seems alright in my book. He got the Sedins in line and beat Boston a few years back.”
Upon informing Mr. McCloskey that Vigneault’s Canucks did not, in fact, beat the Boston Bruins in the 2011 Stanley Cup Final, he simply replied with, “Oh, well, fuck that guy.”
I moved along to Locust Rendezvous, commonly referred to as “The Vous”. I caught Dani Marks on her way to get a round of kamikaze shots. Dani was a big Flyers fan who was frustrated by the team’s recent mediocrity. “Hakstol really pissed me off. Holy shit, yeah, let’s throw Andrew MacDonald back in there for another 32 minutes. He’s not getting any better Hak! Holy shit. I mean, oh my god. What are you even doing out there? You could stick a parrot behind the bench and it would make better coaching decisions.”
I asked Dani if she could comment a little more on Vigneault himself, she didn’t seem overly pleased. “I mean, he’s not the worst. He’s not Hakstol. But Coach Q was out there! He was right there! You guys couldn’t close the deal? Does anyone even take pride in being a Flyers anymore? Coach Q!” Dani then did all five shots that she had ordered.
I then spoke with Anthony Mattiacci, who was enjoying his 6th Yuengling of the night in the corner at Oscar’s. Anthony was a Flyers fan back in the ‘90s, who stopped paying close attention after the 2005 lockout. He’s all about the Eagles, Phillies, and Sixers these days. Well, at least he’s about the Sixers when they’re “not so flashy” and “play the game the right way”. Anthony was intrigued by the new Flyers coach, “I mean, I don’t watch the Flyers so much these days. Do they still fight? Love the fights. Look, I mean this guy, Vinny Alans, he seems alright. Didn’t Berube coach them a few years back? Man, I’ll never forget when he used to get all bloodied up and bash dudes in the face. So good.”
My journey concluded as I struggled to stay upright on a bench at 11th and Pine. Most people I asked about the new Flyers coach replied with, “I don’t understand what you’re trying to say,” or “leave me alone you creep.” Eventually I was joined by a man in three coats. He just went by the name “Scarf”.
Scarf had a number of thoughts on the new Flyers coach, “Vigneault has an excellent track record and is probably the best experienced NHL coach that you could get at this time. My main concern about Vigneault is the tin plate in his skull that was installed by the Canadian government to control his mind. I wouldn’t let Vigneault near any heads of state any time soon.” Scarf then demanded all of the money in my wallet, which I promptly gave him.
Overall, Flyers fans seem to acknowledge the hiring of Alain Vigneault.