Gritty accused of senselessly attacking 13-year-old child

Philadelphia is no longer just the city that pummeled Santa Claus with snowballs (that happened, if you didn’t know). Turns out Philadelphia Flyers mascot Gritty is also a puncher of children, at least according to a man who recently took his son to a Gritty Photo Event.

Chris Greenwell and his 13-year-old son were at the event exclusively for season ticket-holders when the mauling occurred. After waiting in line to take a photo with Gritty, Greenwell and his son were walking away when Gritty, the seven-foot killing machine, brutally attacked his son in cold blood.

According to Greenwell, Gritty “took a running start.”

Just appalling.

The beatdown occurred in November, but details are just now beginning to surface. New information indicates the incident may not have been unprovoked, however. According to Greenwell himself, his son playfully patted Gritty on the head, which evidently struck a nerve with the rabid orange beast.

Gritty then got out of his chair and “punched my son as hard as he could,” recalls Greenwell.

As a result of the senseless mugging, Greenwell was forced to rush his son to a chiropractor several days after the incident, where it was determined that his son suffered a “contusion to lower thoracic spine with subluxation.”

Here’s another version of Greenwell’s report:

Laurie Kleinman, the vice president of risk management at Comcast Spectacor, replied to the accuser via email in December, stating:

“I have investigated your allegations and cannot identify anyone who witnessed the incident as you described it,” she wrote. “It is unfortunate that you and your son had a bad experience at our Gritty Photo Event. Therefore, we are offering an opportunity to discuss a creative way to restore your son’s love of the Philadelphia Flyers.”

According to a Flyers spokesperson, the team investigated the crime and found no evidence supporting Greenwell’s claim.

As they should be, Philadelphia police has gotten involved. Police say the investigation is “active and on-going.”

There’s not much to say here, folks. Gritty should not only be discontinued as the Flyers mascot, but the fuzzy, living creature that certainly is not a human being inside of a suit, should be sentenced to a penalty so severe that its grandGrittys will feel its effects.

*Disclaimer! This article is satirical. We do not condone violence of any kind, especially towards minors. This story, however, is beyond absurd.