Everything is sports: 90 Day Fiancé

Perhaps you have noticed that we are still without sports. Well, almost — the WWE seemed to really give the people what they wanted this weekend with their WrestleMania. But the rehearsed dramatics and feats of strength of professional wrestling are not your only option, friends. Because if you really think about it... everything is sports. Sports are all around us. What is sport but people competing — against each other, against themselves, for glory, for prize, for honor. In these dark times we can find sports anywhere, and that’s what we’re going to do. One thing that is definitely sports? 90 Day Fiancé.

To briefly fill you in, if you’re not familiar, 90 Day Fiancé is a long-running series on TLC, the subjects of which are several couples in long distance, international relationships. The show follows them as they meet for the first time and try to navigate a new relationship while also trying to move someone’s life to the United States.

Let this serve as a primer for this season — an intro into the 90 Day Fiancé universe, if you will — with some background on each of this season’s couples and a handy evaluation tool to help you understand the dynamics of each team. Without further ado...

Lisa, 52 & Usman (SojaBoy), 30

Off the bat, we’ve got a big-time age difference here. When they met online, Usman told Lisa that he was a rap star in Nigeria — stage name SojaBoy, and she seemed to genuinely believe she was in a relationship with the Nigerian Jay-Z. “I’ve never dated a celebrity before,” things of that nature. They fight a lot. So far about: a woman being in his music video, him living with friends, him not messaging enough, him picking her up at the airport with the friends, the bed in the hotel room being uncomfortable, him leaving her alone for 45 minutes in a hotel room, the bathroom not having a real shower. So they’re off to a great start. To date they have spent about a week together in person in Nigeria. Somehow, they’ve not broken up, but Usman seems to be on the verge of over it. They’re going to meet his parents soon, that’ll be a real party.

Trainwreck Score:

Four out of five Joralds. These two are a mess, but there’s a seed of something real there it seems.

Longevity Score:

Two of five Girouxs. It’s hard to imagine a couple with this span of age, cultural, and location difference will last.

Rosemarie, 23 & Ed, 54

Ed is a previously married man from San Diego with one adult child. Rosemarie is a single mother of a young son from the Philippines. Also, Ed is 4’11”. No shame in being a short king but, you know... it’s worth noting. Out of the gate, Ed told Rosemarie he was 5’2” because that was taller than her. Shockingly, she noticed when they met that he was shorter than her. When Ed meets her in the Phillippines he tells her on the first night that he wants her to take an STD test before he touches her because he doesn’t trust her. Please note, there were no romantic vibes between them at all when he broached this subject. She gets mad, obv, and leaves. Days later, he convinces her to meet him for coffee and she agrees. This leads to an extraordinarily creepy evening in a hotel where Ed gives a visibly uncomfortable Rosemarie a foot massage. FOLKS! Ed asks if he can kiss her. Rose, from her facial expressions and body language, does not appear to be... interested. She says he can on the cheek. He insists on lips. It’s very uncomfortable. Rosemarie is from a very poor village and a single mother to a young son.

After spending the night together (Rose let him get it!! Girl no.), Ed tells her he doesn’t like the fact that she doesn’t shave her legs. You see, Ed thinks leg hair is gross. Ed, who wears literally the exact same clothes day and night (black tee shirt, black basketball shorts) and has dyed black hair that he wears in a ponytail and moisturizes with mayonnaise, thinks leg hair is gross. Rose complies, but makes him shave his beard. They go to her hometown to meet her family and Ed is aghast at the poverty. It feels very gross. They meet her family and Ed is creepy the whole time and despite it her family is gracious and welcoming and have prepared him a meal. Ed asks where the windows are. He comments on the open roof. It’s so gross. Ed is sweating profusely. He is a year older than Rosemarie’s father and makes a joke about this. Her dad is not amused. Now that Ed has seen her home, he is concerned Rosemarie is using him as a way out of poverty. Buddy...

Trainwreck Score:

Three of five Joris. Please note that Ed personally is five out of five on the trainwreck scale all day, but Rosemarie is honest and sincere, and while she might be using Ed to give her son a better life, at least she’s real about it.

Longevity Score:

Four out of five Claudes. Rosemarie wants a way out and Ed is creepily obsessed with her so they’re going to last for a little while, at least. She’ll marry him, for sure.

Varya, 30 & Geoffrey, 43

This couple seems the most... legit? The age difference isn’t that dramatic, both of them are very attractive, but Geoff is pretty hotheaded. He has all of this worry that Varya is using him to get to America and accuses her of this constantly. But here’s the thing: just about every one of the American men on this show met the women on a dating site that pairs American men with foreign women. OF COURSE SHE WANTS TO COME TO AMERICA THATS WHY SHE JOINED THE WEBSITE. Jackass. Anyway, on the most recent episode they flew to Siberia to meet her family. They fucked in the airplane. I feel like these two are going to last, friends.

He meets her mother, who is extremely Russian and gives no fucks about saying what she thinks of this guy trying to take her daughter away to America. So they are making traditional dumplings with her mom (THEY LOOK SO GOOD) when, in a cutaway, Geoffrey tells us that he has a secret to confess to Varya: he went to prison for dealing drugs when he was young! Spicy!

Trainwreck Score:

Only one Jori. She might be using him to get to America, but she also likes him and they’re both hot. Not a lot of drama here.

Longevity Score:

Three Claudes. Theoretically, there don’t seem to be any barriers to these two kids making it work, but he’s got to get over his trust issues and she’s moving really, really far from home and that’s always a dicey proposition.

Darcey, 45 & Thomas , 30-something

Darcey is a 90 Day Fiancé OG, having been on a previous season with a guy from the Netherlands in his 20s. Now she’s on with Thomas, from the UK. You guys, Darcey is BATSHIT. In every way. Thomas is a smug asshole. These two are a PARTY. So the latest is Darcey sees pictures of Tom with some other woman on social media. They haven’t seen each other in person in months and they fight constantly because Darcey is extremely insecure and needy and requires constant attention and validation. And then Tom comes to NYC for business and they have a meeting. She’s not there ten minutes before she cries. Why, you ask? Because he texted on her birthday but did not call. There is about as much chemistry between these two at this point as there is between Carole Baskin and Joe Exotic. Thomas, to his credit, tries to explain to her where the relationship went wrong. He’s trying to tell her she doesn’t listen. She is not listening to him as he does this.

She decides to passive aggressively ask him about the other woman. He doesn’t take the bait, so eventually she has to say it out loud. Thomas tells her he loves her like a sister. WOOF. She tells him she doesn’t want to be friends and she’s fine without him. HE ASKS HER IF SHE HAS PUT WEIGHT ON. My word, these two.

Trainwreck Score:

FIVE JORALDS. If you watch this show for no other reason, watch it to be introduced to the Darcey party.

Longevity Scale:

Lol. These two are essentially over, but they’re both attention whores so look for them to continue to find reasons to be on camera.

Stephanie, 29 & Erika, 24

Stephanie is a YouTube personality of some kind with an autoimmune disease. Erika is from Australia. Stephanie seems uncomfortable with literally everything related to physical affection, despite what she says is “a much more sexual persona” on the line. After finally meeting in person they go on a date where they make molds of their boobs. Australia is wild! Everything about this is weird. It’s day two of their knowing each other in person and they’re having an argument in public about the idea of Erika moving to the US. Erika is pissed they haven’t had sex and is essentially like “why the fuck would I agree to move my whole life when we haven’t even had sex yet?” And you know what, fair question!

Later on, we catch up with these two kids getting ready for a date. Erika tells us that In Real Life Stephanie isn’t as fun and sexy as Online Stephanie. Stephanie tells us she wants to confront Erika about something she saw on her phone. Quelle drame! It’s a dating app! Stephanie asks her about this and Erika is not pleased. Stephanie asks Erika to delete it and she does, but then tells Stephanie that if there’s no trust there’s no relationship. Yes bitch! Stephanie cries because Erika doesn’t understand her, and then they tell each other to fuck off and Erika storms out. Stephanie weeps. THE DRAMA.

Trainwreck Scale:

Three out of five Joris. There certainly seemed to be genuine feelings between these two but since they’ve met, it’s been a mess. Stephanie seems like the kind of performative drama queen you’d expect from someone that makes a living on YouTube, and Erika has pink and purple hair and no time for bullshit. There’s a lot going on.

Longevity Score:

One G. No chance, folks.

Yolanda, 51 & “Williams”, ?

Ooooooh Yolanda. Baby. What is you doing. Yolanda met Williams when he slid into her Insta DMs. Williams tells Yolanda he is a model from the UK and the pictures he displays on his Instagram are of a very, very attractive and fit man. Over the course of their ‘relationship” of many months, Yolanda has never Skyped or FaceTimed him. He always tells her his camera is broken. You see, Yolanda “met” Williams right after her husband died. She’d lost a bunch of weight and was feeling herself (she should, she looks amazing!). But it’s clear that she was the perfect combination of lonely and sad and confident and hopeful to fall right into this kind of trap. They make a plan to meet, and it gets real weird. He won’t tell her what airport to fly into to get to where he lives. He deleted his instagram feed and then it changed into a whole other person. Yolanda’s daughter is telling her she’s being catfished and poor sweet Yolanda just doesn’t want to believe it. SO her daughter googles the new name on his instagram feed. The person is Nigerian. YOLANDA. BABY.

Fake British Dude Williams has been radio silent for days and Yolanda is STILL holding out hope that he is real and he loves her. She tells the camera her biggest fear is that she’ll offend him by asking if he’s fake. GIRL. For days she tries to reach him and then. AND THEN. She gets an email from someone saying that if she doesn’t give them money they will release her nudes. SHE SENT FAKE BRITISH DUDE WILLIAMS NUDES. SHE REFUSES TO BELIEVE IT IS HIM DEMANDING THE MONEY. She thinks he was hacked. Oh god woman come on.

Trainwreck Score:

Five. All the Joris. It’s hard not to feel bad for someone like Yolanda but if you watch this show long enough you also start to feel like... you know, if you’re in your 50s or 60s and you insist on trying to date some super hot person in their 20s... what are you doing, friend? This doesn’t only apply to Yolanda. It’s a lot of these people.

Longevity Score:

Zero. Not even one Claude Giroux. Williams doesn’t exist.

Avery, 32 & Ash, 38

Avery and Ash met on Instagram. They’re both hot and do Fitness Things on the ‘gram. But Ash’s brother doesn’t like Avery, and they both have small children. Seems like that would make international relocation hard! Ash is a “relationship counselor” as a job and so he says all kinds of cheeseball shit like “we need to learn each other” and “I hear you and I respect your fears” and also wears extremely skinny jeans, so its understandable that she has questions about his authenticity. Like Varya and Geoffrey, it’s easy to believe these two are earnest in their feelings and really want to give a relationship a real go. But moving a kid to a whole new country seems... like a thing that is tough to pull off. So they’ve got hurdles.

Trainwreck Score:

Two Joris, but mostly because of Ash’s eye roll-inducing cheeseball lines and skinny jeans.

Longevity Score:

Two Gs. I dunno, how do you talk your ex into letting you move your son from Australia to America? That seems like a really hard sell. So unless he’s willing to leave the kid behind, which it doesn’t seem like he would be... gonna be hard to make this thing work.

David, 60 & Lana, 27

Hoo boy. So David “met” Lana on a website meant to pair Ukrainian women with American men seven years ago. Lana will only communicate with David through the chat function on this dating site, which he must pay for. David has never spoken to Lana. Over the course of these seven years, David has travelled to Ukraine three times to meet Lana, and every time she’s come up with a last-minute excuse as to why she can’t make it to their meeting and he totally buys it. We’re following David as he travels to Ukraine again to meet this woman, and we watch as he wanders around a train station like a dolt looking for her when she is supposed to arrive. You’ll be shocked to learn that she does not. Now, David is vowing to try to track her down in her small village and confront her. Seems like a great plan, Dave!

Trainwreck Score:

Five out of five. Like Yolanda, it’s clear that David is being scammed. But it’s really hard to feel bad for someone who, rather than find a nice normal woman of a reasonable age to date, decides to chase an obviously fake super hot girl from Ukraine. Your priorities are all screwy, David! So yeah enjoy the scam buddy.

Longevity Score:

Also zero. He will never meet this woman. She likely exists, but she is just using him for money. Which he sends her. A lot.

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90 Day Fiancé airs on TLC, typically on Sunday evenings, but check your local listings. Junk food television is a nice way to escape your own reality for a little bit, so give it a try.

Stick-tap to our pal Stephen from The Good Phight for help with the graphics.