It’s Rivalry Week (or weeks) at SB Nation. Over the next 14 days, we’ll be taking every opportunity possible to dunk on all of the Flyers’ biggest rivals. The Penguins, the Capitals, the Rangers, the Devils — they’re all toast.
But we’re not focusing solely on division rivals. Absolutely not. We’re going to roast every single team in the NHL, because we can. And right now, it’s time to eviscerate the Minnesota Wild — one of the dumb teams that isn’t even cool enough to have an “s” at the end of its nickname.
1. The Wild are one of the most aggressively average teams in professional sports
Minnesota has this bizarre ability to consistently look like a pretty decent team throughout the regular season. Once the postseason begins, though, they completely forget how to play the ice sport and suffer a quick, but painful first-round elimination. The Wild made the playoffs every year from 2012-13 to 2017-18, and during that six-year run, they managed to win just two series, leading to nothing but swift playoff exits at the hands of the Blackhawks.
In the Wild’s 20 years of existence, they’ve won a grand total of four playoff series — two of which came during the 2002-03 season when they were eliminated by Anaheim in the Conference Finals. The franchise’s all-time record currently sits at 689-698 (142 of those losses occurred in overtime). They’ve also tied 55 times in franchise history.
Overall, the Wild are a below average franchise that has yet to accomplish anything of significant value. They’ve never won a Stanley Cup, and the greatest player in franchise history may not even be good enough for the Hockey Hall of Fame.
Speak of the devil...
2. Mikko Koivu is perhaps the most boring human being to ever exist
Mikko Koivu, one of the longest tenured captains in the NHL, has been an outstanding player for the Wild for a very long time. Drafted with the No. 6 overall pick way back in 2001, Koivu has gone on to lead the franchise in games played (1,028), assists (504) and points (709) while also ranking second in goals behind only Marian Gaborik. Without a doubt, Koivu pretty much is the Minnesota Wild.
Unfortunately, that’s not exactly a good thing!
With the Wild being one of the most consistently mediocre teams in hockey, people will look back at Koivu’s career and remember all of the Wild’s early playoff exits and constant inferiority.
Being a member of such an irrelevant franchise for almost 20 years has clearly taken a toll on the guy. Seriously, does he look like he’s having any fun at all?
Like, is he okay? It’s as if he hasn’t used the muscles in his face since being drafted by this godforsaken Minnesota dumpster fire. Legend has it that he hasn’t blinked in over 15 years.
On very rare occasions, Koivu will gather the energy from all 30 trillion of the cells that make up his physical being in order to show some semblance of emotion. But even then, he looks comically uncomfortable.
Those dead eyes say it all.
3. “The State of Hockey” still couldn’t keep the North Stars from relocating
Granted, this isn’t exactly the Wild’s fault — Norm Green, the former owner of the North Stars, seemed to be a real scumbag (as evidenced by the sexual harassment lawsuit against him) and didn’t exactly do the best job of trying to keep the team in Minnesota. However, the North Stars also apparently had a hard time filling their building back in the ‘90s, which also played a significant role in the team’s relocation to Dallas.
For a place that so many proudly refer to as “The State of Hockey”, it sure is interesting that attendance issues impacted the North Stars to such a degree. Perhaps the fan base in the Land of 10,000 Lakes isn’t so great after all, eh?
4. They’re from Minnesota, which is where the Vikings are from, and the Vikings stink
Remember when the Eagles won the Super Bowl? You know, the game on February 4, 2018? The game where they beat the New England Patriots 41-33 to win the championship? And Tom Brady dropped the ball? And Malcolm Jenkins literally killed a man on national television and didn’t even get penalized for it? Well, the Eagles wouldn’t have made it to the Super Bowl had it not been for the dismemberment of the Vikings two weeks beforehand.
Stupidly, Vikings fans decided to go to the Rocky statue before the NFC Championship game against the Eagles and dress it up with Vikings gear, and then those same fans were utterly shocked when they weren’t treated politely at The Linc. This coming just days after some weirdo in a pigtailed Vikings hat appeared on a local news station in Minneapolis to warn fans about the dangers of even thinking about the city of Philadelphia.
Can’t hold too much of a grudge against Vikings fans, though. Had it not been for them, we would have lived our lives without seeing the greatest video ever created.