Bruins 6, Flyers 1: Let’s forget that ever happened

Have you come to this, the Broad Street Hockey dot com postgame recap, because you missed the game and hoped to find a concise and informative summary that would allow you to feel like you watched it?

Well, apologies in advance.

By reading this, you will feel like you watched this game. But through the eyes of a crazy person who spends too much time online. Can’t get up for a game without this song anymore. It’s so good.

Anyhoo, aaaaarrrrrre yoooouuuuuou ready for some hockey?? I picked the Flyers to lose the last game and win this one while talking with our pal from Stanley Cup of Chowder the other day. Hoping I nailed it! (Narrator: she did not.) Let’s go, pals.

First Period

The puck drops with the line of JVR - Giroux - Laughton out to start which is... listen, I get it, Shit’s weird (wait am I allowed to say “shit” in a recap? I’m doing it, please gird your loins if bad words make you feel icky) right now so the lines are all jumbly, but I do with they’d found a way to keep G at wing full time. He’s just so good there now.

Anyway this isn’t a place for analysis it’s a place for cold hard facts. Facts such as: Alain Vigneault is wearing a very smart purple plaid suit/paisley tie combination tonight that looks outstanding on him.

Farabee has been dropped to the fourth line with Connor Bunnaman and Nic Aube-Kubel? We already stipulated to the jumbly weirdness we have to deal with for a bit but, respectively, wut? There’s no way this line makes it 60 minutes.

Stoppage thoughts, 13:41

Both of these teams look tentative to start. Zero shots on goal for both teams; we’re seeing the kind of north-south hockey that’s boring and slow, if you know what I mean. Mites on ice right now. Sloppy and boring, everyone’s favorite combo!

We’ve got our first penalty called, a D-zone tripping call on Mark Friedman. And it took mere seconds for Patrice Bergeron win the faceoff, pick up a rebound, and score. Claude Giroux is going to win you a lot of faceoffs but he lost that one to disastrous effect. Way she goes sometimes eh?

Stoppage thoughts, 9:50

The Flyers have not yet recorded a shot, my friends. Again I’m wondering what AV is thinking with these lines. We’re ten minutes in and they’re not working at all. Adjust, for the love of god.

THE FLYERS HAVE RECORDED A SHOT ON GOAL! Nearly 11 minutes into the period. And it was Robert Hagg who shot it. It’s going to be one of those, huh?

Stoppage thoughts, 5:54

Ivan Provorov just almost scored a goal into his own net. I may need a beer during intermission. Maybe cookies, I dunno.

Blissfully, the first period is over. Final score for the first 20 minutes? Just one out of five bongo kitties. Poor effort all around.

Second Period

One of fiction’s most astute characters once said, “Look to the cookie, Elaine.” And look to the cookies we shall, to start this period. Girl Scout Cookies, to be precise. Do-Si-Dos, to be even preciser. Anyway, puck is dropping, let’s do this.

And I regret to inform that at least the Giroux line has remained the same.

KEVIN HAYES DEFLECTS THE PUCK PAST JAROSLAV HALAK JUST 1:14 INTO THE PERIOD AND NOW WE’VE A HOCKEY GAME.

Jake Voracek shot on net, Hayes stick deflects it in. Nevermind what I said about the lines.

Just over a minute later and someone called “Craig Smith” scores after the Flyers’ defense — currently comprised of a partially ripped basketball net — allows nearly every Bruin on the ice to walk right in on Carter Hart. I’m back to hating the lines again.

Stoppage thoughts, 16:17

What the hell is going on with this team, man? This isn’t just injuries. They look like they looked in the playoffs last season, which was markedly different from how they looked in the regular season before the stoppage. Whatever they were doing last February they need to do again, because this is a mess right now.

Jake Voracek and Brandon Carlo are engaging in some kind of wrestling match as Kevin Hayes moves up the ice with the puck. This, of course, leads to a whistle and a complete nullification of whatever it was Hayes might’ve gotten going in the offensive zone. It results in a power play for the Bruins. Pick your battles, boys.

You know how when little kids play hockey they all just chase the puck? Just like 8 kids all collapsed around wherever the puck is? That’s what the Flyers’ PK looks like right now. They kill it, though. Small victories right?

Stoppage thoughts, 9:21

People want to tell you that Thin Mints are the best Girl Scout Cookie, but that’s just wrong. It’s Do-Si-Dos.

Finally, Claude Giroux is tripped in the Bruins’ offensive zone and the Flyers will head to the power play. I am framing this as a good thing, but will it be good? Who can say!

Keith Jones just told me that the Flyers’ power play is 8th in the league and respectfully, that feels like a fucking lie. Anyway, the Flyers spent what felt like half of that power play in the defensive zone. So the power play was not, in fact, a good thing.

Stoppage thoughts, 4:46

This team cannot effectively complete a zone exit. Or a zone entry. It’s... remarkable.

...Charlie Coyle just scored, one handed. One hand on his stick. 3-1 Bruins. Look at this:

* fart noise *

Once again I find myself overjoyed by the end of a hockey period. Before that Coyle goal I was prepared to give this period two bongo kitties; not that it was all that much better than the first, but they scored a goal. But no. No extra kitty. Final score for this period is one single bongo kitty. DAMNIT FLYERS.

Third Period

This final period has started with different lines. Thank the gods, because those shuffled up trios were not good through 40. Let’s see how this goes.

We are not five minutes in and Brad Marchand (gross) has scored. So one could say it is not going well so far. This goal is directly the result of Erik Gustafsson mishandling the puck. Enough already with this guy.

Friedman has taken an unsportsmanlike, I truly don’t know why, I’m trading Letterkenny gifs with Second City Hockey. It’s been hard not to check out of this game.

Brad Marchand (gross) scored again. It’s 5-1 Bruins with 11:33 remaining.

Stoppage thoughts, 11:23

If they don’t put Ghost into the lineup when they get back to Philly, they’re committing actual misconduct. Miss me with your shit about how bad he’s been. Could he be worse than the current defense? Worse than Gus?? Seems unlikely!

Travis Konecny got cross checked in the back of the head and there’s no call. Right in front of at least one ref. It doesn’t really make a difference in a game like this but it’s still really, really frustrating.

Stoppage thoughts, 7:06

This isn’t very fun.

And the Flyers will be short-handed again. There’s nothing to say about it. Par for the course tonight.

...the Bruins scored? Like 20 seconds into the power play? It’s 6-1. This is the worst game the Flyers have played so far this season. By a wide margin.

Stoppage thoughts, 5:04

I hate this game and I want it to be over.

The Flyers spent nearly an entire shift in the Bruins’ zone and got a couple of shots and it’s honestly the best hockey they’ve played all night.

Stoppage thoughts, 3:05

How did we get to a place at which the entire success of this team hung on Matt Niskanen?

Voracek just had the puck taken away at the Bruins blue line and I got a bad cramp in my thigh, which I think is my body punishing me for sitting here for three hours watching this hot garbage.

The buzzer sounds, this game is over, we are free. Final score is 6-1 Bruins, and there will be no bongo kitties awarded this period. They deserve none. We’d all do well to forget this game ever happened. We’re all going to go to bed and wake up Eternal Sunshined, deal? Deal. Good.

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Heading into this game the inimitable Mike Dusak asked two questions that needed answering. So let’s answer them, shall we?

Two big questions

1. Can the Flyers keep up the pace at 5-on-5?

They cannot, folks! Through 60 the Flyers lost the shot battle at evens, 19-14. They lost the Corsi battle as well, finishing at 49.32%, and with 41.38% of the game’s scoring chances at 5-on-5. Honestly, it felt way more lopsided than that.

2. Can Travis Konecny and JVR stay hot?

There was nothing hot about this game, save for the flames surrounding the Flyers’ fan base as we all sit here hoping things are fine.