It is extremely important to note that absolutely none of the below quotes are real. This is an entirely fake work of satire by an individual who could and should probably put his brainpower to better use. Thanks for reading!
Disappointed with another slow start to a season, the Philadelphia Flyers have parted ways with head coach Alain Vigneault and are trying a new coach that is closer to the world of The Terminator than the Broad Street Bullies - an Artificial Intelligence.
Flyers chairman Dave Scott and general manager Chuck Fletcher presented the new coach at a press conference in the lobby of the Comcast Center earlier today. The A.I., also referred to as the Coaching Holographic Integrated Educational Framework, or C.H.I.E.F., is based on the combined brainwaves of every coach in Flyers’ history. Upon closer inspection, the standard coaching contract for the Flyers includes a clause stating that brainwaves will be copied during the time that the coach’s identification photo is taken.
You may be wondering how the Flyers even had the technology to record the brainwaves of early coaches like Fred “The Fog” Shero. That all goes back to former Flyers’ chairman Ed Snider, who invested heavily in artificial intelligence technology.
“The entire space underneath the Wells Fargo Center and where the Spectrum used to sit are banks of computer servers,” Flyers general manager Chuck Fletcher admitted to the press. “Mr. Snider saw the future, and the future is a head coach that can think faster than any human being. You know, back then, it took a whole city block to hold Freddie (Shero). Now, we can hold guys like Murrman (Terry Murray) and Hitchy Poo (Ken Hitchcock) on a drive the size of my thumb.”
The Flyers are using state of the art technology to give C.H.I.E.F. a presence in the real world. Bose speakers have been placed around the Flyers’ bench. A hologram will appear behind the players. The appearance of the A.I.’s hologram, much like its personality, will be an amalgam of all of the head coaches in Flyers’ history. The Flyers would not allow Broad Street Hockey to post a picture, but the best description of this A.I. coach would be a middle aged white man vaguely resembling former Flyers head coach Craig Berube.
The hologram will do everything on the Flyers’ bench and locker room that former coaches have done. The hologram will scream at the team to pick it up with the ferocity of Mike Keenan. When the team succeeds, the hologram will have a sheet cake baked to celebrate in the vein of John Stevens. Does a player need to be accidentally punched in the head while giving a passionate speech about jam like Peter Laviolette? You better believe that C.H.I.E.F. can do that. And yes, before you ask, yes, C.H.I.E.F. can wind surf like Dave Hakstol.
Were there any exclusions from the coaching algorithm? Fletcher spoke frankly, “We did think about leaving guys like Ramrod (Craig Ramsay) and Hakky Sack (Dave Hakstol) out of the algorithm, but we thought it was important that the A.I. have examples of what not to do.”
Asked about coaching for a machine instead of a man, Flyers captain Claude Giroux replied, “Well, ya know, umm, regardless of who is, ya know, back there, umm, be it a man or, umm, a big red light, you gotta play hard and give it your all.
The final question of the press conference asked the question that was everyone’s minds - was C.H.I.E.F. just a copy of former Flyers coach Craig Berube? Berube had gone on to win a Stanley Cup with the St. Louis Blues after being fired by the Flyers in April of 2015. Scott and Fletcher excused themselves and left.