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Flyperblog: Gritty Resigns from Flyers in Protest

Good night, sweet prince

NHL: MAR 25 Rangers at Flyers
Gritty has had enough after another infuriating loss
Photo by Kyle Ross/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Famed Philadelphia Flyers mascot Gritsopher P. Mascot, better known to the masses as Gritty, has resigned from the team following an embarrassing 8-3 loss to the New York Rangers on Thursday night.

Dressed in a dapper black suit with tears swirling about in his endlessly moving eyes, Gritty addressed a crowd outside of the Wells Fargo Center early Friday morning.

“This isn’t easy for me,” Gritty said to a restless crowd of Flyers fans and orange monster enthusiasts, “as you know, I love the Flyers. I was born in the Wells Fargo Center and have lived there for my entire life. I literally bleed orange and black. However, I cannot continue to support a team that keeps getting blown out by the New York Rangers.”

Gritty then pulled out a picture of his beloved Claude Giroux and lit it on fire. There was an audible gasp in the crowd.

“I am truly sorry, Papa Claude, but I cannot go on with this vicious cycle called Flyers hockey. Please know, Philadelphia, that I love you all.”

Gritty then took off in a hot air balloon, shooting a mixture of silly string and whipped cream onto the crowd below. Many fans told me that they could taste vanilla, dirt, and the tears of an icon.

It is extremely important to note that absolutely none of the above quotes are real. This is an entirely fake work of satire by an individual who could and should probably put his brainpower to better use. Thanks for reading!