Famed Philadelphia Flyers mascot Gritsopher P. Mascot, better known to the masses as Gritty, has resigned from the team following an embarrassing 8-3 loss to the New York Rangers on Thursday night.
Dressed in a dapper black suit with tears swirling about in his endlessly moving eyes, Gritty addressed a crowd outside of the Wells Fargo Center early Friday morning.
“This isn’t easy for me,” Gritty said to a restless crowd of Flyers fans and orange monster enthusiasts, “as you know, I love the Flyers. I was born in the Wells Fargo Center and have lived there for my entire life. I literally bleed orange and black. However, I cannot continue to support a team that keeps getting blown out by the New York Rangers.”
Gritty then pulled out a picture of his beloved Claude Giroux and lit it on fire. There was an audible gasp in the crowd.
“I am truly sorry, Papa Claude, but I cannot go on with this vicious cycle called Flyers hockey. Please know, Philadelphia, that I love you all.”
Gritty then took off in a hot air balloon, shooting a mixture of silly string and whipped cream onto the crowd below. Many fans told me that they could taste vanilla, dirt, and the tears of an icon.