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I can’t sleep because of the Flyers Aquaman Jason Momoa

It’s dark and I’m scared of the Philadelphia Flyers Aquaman Jason Momoa.

RUGBY: MAR 10 Canada Sevens Photo by Devin Manky/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

It’s raining outside. Dim spotlights cast from street lamps draw circles on the wet pavement of a dark road, leading like markers all the way up to the abandoned house. No one lives there anymore, not since the accident that destroyed lives, families, and an entire town. All that is left is creaking doors and battered floorboards covered in dust.

You step closer to the house. There is a figure. The slow pendulum of light behind it, swaying back and forth, casting shadows across the broken-down porch that only the grimiest of rats call home. Light bouncing through the street and onto your face. Giving you just enough ability to see what is standing in the doorway.

You can’t look. Don’t look. Please. It’s Philadelphia Flyers Aquaman Jason Momoa.

Jesus fucking Christ.

An incredibly shiny graphic just makes me want to shudder and crawl under my bed like a terrified dog during a thunderstorm. Not only are you a superhero, but you decide to represent the Philadelphia Flyers.

Hey, good thing this team is mostly underwater am I right folks.

While doing some media for his latest movie “Sweet Girl” (where all I can guess by glancing at the poster is another gritty “Taken” remake, maybe this time it’s for good) star and heartthrob Jason Momoa declared his impassioned love for our favorite hockey team.

“Bro, you got it going on over there man,” Momoa said in his most chilled-out-dude-like-yeah-man tone. “I mean, I’m a huge Flyers fan. I grew up playing hockey. I’ve never been to Pittsburgh, but just between those two cities, Philadelphia and Pittsburgh, you guys got it going on.”

While born in Honolulu, Hawaii, Momoa was raised by his mother in Norwalk, Iowa of all places, a little quaint town just outside of Des Moines. So it makes complete sense that he grew up playing hockey because there was nothing else to do. And even if the timeline is a little foggy, Momoa is 42 years old, meaning that he would just be a wee preteen when Eric Lindros made his debut in 1992 — making complete sense why he would be drawn to this team at that point, even if they didn’t win a whole lot of games.

And to just engrain my point further (I Googled “jason momoa philadelphia flyers” after I guessed he was a Lindros fan by trying to do some basic math), he put his fandom on display all the way back in 2014.

I feel bad for him. Like, why?

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