Welcome to TankWatch. The only place you need to look at to cheer on Philadelphia Flyers losses and other terrible teams’ victories.
Spring is in the air. Do you smell that? It’s the smell of some mediocre hope in the Phillies, this current Sixers team trying to overcome playoff failures, and the Flyers just being something we turn on just out of habit. It’s a beautiful sunny day in Philadelphia.
For our Flyers, it has been an immaculate week for us here at TankWatch Inc. This team just cannot stand scoring goals — ew, gross! — and loves to allow multiple in quick succession, the hockey equivalent of a bolt pistol directed at a cow’s brain. In and out within milliseconds to just kill off something with minimal pain. At least they’re not drawing out these losses and making us wait.
Anyways, here’s what has happened since the last TankWatch, and what can happen this weekend in the bottom rung of the overall league standings:
Ottawa Senators — 8 games remaining, 62 points
The Senators have been a godsend for anyone that wants to see the Flyers drop in the standings as soon as possible. In their two games during the week, they earned all four points against the Detroit Red Wings and the Boston Bruins. An unimaginable feat, but for this quirky little team full of youngsters led by one Baby Man Brady Tkachuk, they have made us all breathe a sigh of relief, pushing the boundary of the tank radius a little bit further and making us not worry about incoming Philadelphian wins (if that ever happens again).
A five-point is not completely unsurmountable with eight games remaining for both teams, but it is a good-sized tank cushion. Ottawa is facing the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Seattle Kraken in their next two games — the first one being a far-fetched idea of getting any points, but it would be hilarious to do so, and the second being a prime opportunity for either team to either pull farther away from the Flyers, or earn enough points to potentially force Philadelphia in the bottom-three.
Chicago Blackhawks — 8 games remaining, 61 points
Yet another team that posed a significant threat of losing more than the Flyers and suddenly taking over their ranking in the tank, the Blackhawks have been able to take two of their last four available points — just spreading that gap a little bit further. Basically, all of the same points made about the Senators, applies to the Blackhawks. Four points isn’t a whole lot, and it is worrisome that their next two games are against two competitive-ass teams in the Predators and the Flames.
Here’s hoping that the Flyers just lose out so it doesn’t really matter.
New Jersey Devils — 8 games remaining, 58 points
With the Devils winning against the Coyotes, it bumped the Flyers down a spot and giving them that rare higher chance of drafting in the top-three this summer — we should probably mention why we’re cheering losses at least once in this whole blog.
There is a perfect Tank Game coming up in the horizon. New Jersey will be in Seattle to face the Kraken and the two teams that surround the Flyers in the overall standings are going at it and trying to decide who has to take the two points in the end. A three-point game would be perfect, but no matter who takes it, it’s a win for us. Then they’re down south facing the Golden Knights, so there’s only a small pebble of hope that they can get some points there and widen that damn gap.
Philadelphia Flyers — 8 games remaining, 57 points
Our sweet summer child, the Philadelphia Flyers. Oh, you precious thing, you. The Flyers managed to score a whole two goals in their last two games — good for them! — and allowed 13 into their own net. Those teams are so mean!
Upcoming is their greatest test of the season. This is the boss battle of the tank, the final achievement they can muster up to improve their draft lottery odds — they are facing a back-to-back with the Buffalo Sabres.
The Sabres aren’t included in TankWatch because they are too far gone. The additions of some cool, young, glasses-wearing prospect, gave them enough oomf to be a whole eight points ahead of the Flyers in the standings. But considering they swiped away two points from the Leafs earlier this week and at least showed up for a game against the St. Louis Blues, maybe there is hope that we can get a similar stretch of two games as the Flyers just faced. Buffalo fans deserve it.
Seattle Kraken — 9 games remaining, 52 points
Seattle just straight up sucks right now. They lost two straight to the Calgary Flames and are swirling down the pit of despair. But as mentioned previously in this TankWatch, they are facing the Devils and the Senators in their next two games. A perfect combination that could close the gap between them and our Flyers to just one single point and enough games remaining to have the newest team leapfrog over. Here’s hoping.
Montreal Canadiens — 8 games remaining, 51 points
While the Kraken having one more game to play and just one point more than the Canadiens shouldn’t put Montreal potentially jumping up the standings out of the realm of possibility, it sure feels that way. Games are wrapping up and there is just no sign of life in this team. They got taken to town against the Columbus Blue Jackets earlier this week and they have to face the New York Islanders and Washington Capitals in a back-to-back.
One potential late-season surge could be on the back of a returning Carey Price, and he has stolen them games before — maybe an entire trip to the Stanley Cup Final too — so we can lay our hope in the veteran netminder to just earn enough points for the Flyers to stay competitive for the ultimate tank.
Arizona Coyotes — 8 games remaining, 49 points
There is absolutely no way the Coyotes are able to finish anywhere else in the standings put 32nd overall. Over their last four games, Arizona has managed to score five goals and has allowed TWENTY-FOUR goals. This is what happens when you do it on purpose and there isn’t even a glimmer of hope for making this season worth it. They suck. They totally suck. And they’re facing the Flames and Hurricanes in their next two games. Will we see records of goals scored in a single game? Maybe in both matches? The Coyotes will remain in this spot and have the highest odds of ruining — I mean drafting — Shane Wright.
Thank you for tuning in to TankWatch.