Happy New Year, Flyers fans! To start off the year, we have pulled out our crystal ball and made a series of predictions about what’s in store for the Flyers throughout the long dreary month of January. These predictions range from the semi-serious to the very silly, in no particular order. Walk with us on this psychic journey.
Miracle victory over the second-in-the-league Vegas Golden Knights
Did the Flyers lose 5-4 in a shootout last time they played this damn team in November? Yes. But we believe in the Flyers! Or rather, we believe in their ability to pull out a fluke of a win against a team they have no business beating.
Cutter Gauthier game winning goal sparks riot
We’re not saying it’s going to happen – Gauthier has only had five goals this season in his 36 games with Anaheim, but if it did, Flyers fans would almost certainly (and understandably) lose it. Gritty would probably appear on top of a burning car somewhere, and whichever goalie was unfortunate enough to be in net may need to enter witness protection, depending on how bad a goal it was.
The Baldadelphia Flyers
In both good and bad news, Joel Farabee’s freshly shaved head has been undeniably effective at breaking his scoring drought. Good because we love to see Joals after so long without them, but bad, because The Baldening was what did it. Hockey players are deeply superstitious, and considering this team has a few players struggling to get pucks in the net, we fear they will turn to the Green Goblin mask that is Scott Laughton’s electric razor to fix it.
Plague strikes the Farg
A virus sweeping through the locker room feels less like a prediction and more like an inevitability, what with Covid, RSV, influenza, and norovirus cases surging right now. The Flyers have been lucky so far this season, perhaps because they stopped using the dog mask for player of the game, but one can only open-mouthed yell in your teammates’ faces so much before an outbreak of something occurs. We’ll throw in the bonus prediction of someone trying to play through it and throwing up, either during practice or on the bench during a game (an extra $5 says it will be Michkov).
Tortorella vs. the press in a rumor mill showdown 2.0
Maybe we’re just nostalgic for the drama of the Cutter Gauthier incident last season, when John Tortorella went to bat for Kevin Hayes against a rumor that he played a role in Gauthier’s decision, but we think we could see Tort’s slap someone with his metaphorical glove again. Our logic here is that the more this team loses, the wilder the rumors get, and so grow the odds of a rumor so egregious Torts wants to address it publicly. Perhaps, with a growing number of Flyers’ fans vocally unhappy with the team’s coaching, it’ll be to do with that. Or someone insults a dog in his presence, either or.
Noah Cates: Dark Horse Rocket Richard Candidate
Okay not really, but this season, particularly in December, we’ve seen Cates start to come into his own as a center. On top of scoring five goals in five straight games, he’s gelling beautifully with linemates Tyson Foerster and Bobby Brink to make the third line our best line right now. So, screw it, we predict newly crowned offensive dynamo Noah Cates has a hat trick at some point this month.
We fix New York’s problems
“Are you talking about the New York Rangers or the New York Islanders here?” The answer is both! With three games against the Islanders and one game against the Rangers this month, there’s an opportunity for us to fix either of them. Watch them take the ice against the Flyers and have their blueline woes turn into ‘Oops, All Norris Trophy Contenders!’ and their non-existent offense warp into 12 Gretzkys.
Return of the Andrae
We think the odds are pretty good that Emil Andrae will make his triumphant return to the Flyers’ roster sometime this month. The question is will it be because a defenseman succumbs to injury, or because they forget how to play defense? There’s also the third evil option, where Sam Ersson goes on IR and they have the cap roster space to bring Andrae up and just rotate him and Egor Zamula, but I really don’t want to speak that into the universe, so pretend I didn’t say it.
Owen Tippett vs. Panthers revenge game (take three)
The Flyers may have lost the prior two matchups against the Florida Panthers this season, even with Tippett scoring two goals in the most recent one, but third time’s the charm! We predict another big night for him when the Flyers take on the Panthers on the Jan. 13, perhaps even a hat trick. At the very least, I hope we finally pull out a win against the reigning Stanley Cup champions.
Fedotov is Good (not clickbait)
We’ll be the first to admit that Ivan Fedotov has an unconventional goaltending style, with his lanky, captivating, awkward athleticism, but it’s one we kind of love. Tortorella, on the other hand, is not a fan. He’s expressed a clear preference for Alexei Kolosov over Fedotov, and as a result, Fedotov hasn’t seen a start in net since he was pulled against the Panthers on December 5. But if Ersson is down, Kolosov will need a backup and we think Fedotov will remind the Flyers that he was drafted by them and brought here for a reason. That is, so long as he’s not cold from the month of being sat.
Scott Laughton’s multi-point night vs. Red Wings
This could be a free space honestly; with 20 points in 21 career games against Detroit, Scott Laughton going absolutely off whenever he sees that winged wheel feels as certain as the sun. Though I doubt we’ll see a repeat of his incredible four goal night in early December, I certainly can see him coming out of this game with at least two points.
Dunce of the Month
Someone’s got to be Tortorella’s least favorite guy, and while it’s been Morgan Frost for a long time, we feel like we could see a shift. Maybe with his recent scratching against the Los Angeles Kings, it’ll be Cam York. Perhaps the glitter on Jamie Drysdale that was put there to ease the blow of the Cutter Gauthier trade will begin to wear off, and it’ll be him. Travis Konecny just got taken off the penalty kill for some godforsaken reason, so it could be him! Or maybe it’ll just be Morgan Frost again, but this time in a fake mustache and glasses, to keep things fresh.
So those are the predictions for the month of January. Unfortunately, we have no actual psychic powers – we are armed only with Flyers knowledge and guess work. Maybe one of our predictions will come true, maybe a few, or maybe absolutely none will! Either way, all we really hope for January is to come out of it with an idea of whether, come April, the Flyers are going to be aiming for a wild card spot or a top draft pick. Right now, our Magic 8 Ball just says, “Don’t count on it”.
