It is extremely important to note that absolutely none of the below quotes are real. This is an entirely fake work of satire by an individual who could and should probably put his brainpower to better use. Thanks for reading!
Lifelong Philadelphia Flyers fan Dante DeAfogatto is preparing for the 2025-26 NHL season. He has watched highlights of last season’s team, done research on their recent draft picks, and run 352 simulations of the team in NHL 25. He has programmed his smart home device to play Flyers podcasts every night in his sleep. While the Flyers are preparing for their season to start, Dante is doing preparation of his own. DeAfogatto has started his annual process of building up his anger levels in small increments in order to be able to withstand the rigors of watching an 82-game hockey schedule.
A typical day starts with purposefully getting stuck in traffic. DeAfogatto works from home, but simulates a commute on I-76 every morning. He’ll spend his lunch break bringing half-filled forms to PennDOT while filling out 311 requests for broken streetlights. The anger exposure program continues with a 4:30 p.m. Microsoft Teams call that could have been an e-mail. This all culminates in diving into the ultimate anger inciting entity – a thorough scrolling of social media and YouTube comments.
DeAfogatto was blasting Metallica’s album St. Anger and boxing an orange and black punching bag in his basement. He told me that he plays the worst album by his favorite band to really get the fire burning. The bag? “I like to picture this as all of the captains who have let me down over the years. Take that, Derian Hatcher! Thanks for nothin’, Kevin Dineen!”
Now 47 years old, DeAfogatto has never seen his favorite team hoist the Stanley Cup. He has never once felt joy in his time rooting for the Flyers. His favorite pastime takes a toll. DeAfogatto makes sure that he takes time to decompress during the offseason.
“Rooting for the Flyers is dangerous. My doctor always tells me that I should quit, that my heart is going to explode. I love it too damn much. I always book two weeks in Boca Raton for mid-July after free agency. The sun and fresh air really helps me reset before another season screaming, ‘SHOOOOOOOT!’”
Dante’s wife, Sierra, folded a pile of faded Flyers t-shirt jerseys, and occasionally sipped from a large tumbler of white wine. “I’m not sure I would call what Dante does ‘hate-watching’ per say. I think he hates himself for sticking with them? The summers are nice, but then once training camp starts, well.” Sierra took another sip and clutched the Mike Knuble shirt in her hands until her knuckles turned white.
When asked how he felt about the coming season, Dante seemed hopeful, “I think Michkov is really going to take off and reach the next level.” He then put on a Ryan Ellis jersey and went back to watching the game-winning goal from the 2010 Stanley Cup Final.
