It is extremely important to note that absolutely none of the below is real. This is an entirely fake work of satire by an individual who could and should probably put his brainpower to better use. Thanks for reading!
Labor Day has passed and hockey season is almost upon us. Training camp is around the corner and the Philadelphia Flyers have some intriguing young players that are going to battle for a spot on the roster. We all know the big names, like Alex Bump, Oliver Bonk, and Carson Bjarnason. However, there are many more exciting names that have a potential to make an impact for the orange and black this coming season. Here are six guys that have an outside shot of making the 2025-26 Flyers.
Mobley Stanjerging
Age: 22
Position: Center
Nationality: Scandinavian???
Stanjerging has a high motor, but his skating is garbage. He looks like he learned how to skate just last month. He has smooth hands from years of playing competitive table shuffleboard. His shot has been described as “fine” and “okay”. Despite the lack of upside, Stanjerging is a locker room favorite, often putting together playlists and doing close-up magic for the team. He blindly does anything a coach asks him to do. He doesn’t have the talent, but he’s the man.
Jaxcksyn Carter
Age: 19
Position: Defense
Nationality: Canadian
Carter grew up on the mean streets of Calgary. He plays with an edge that reflects his history. Carter is a big hitter who leads by example. His ceiling is very low. If he’s lucky, Carter will have a career like Zac Rinaldo. He has put up 9 points over 3 seasons in the Q. But, oh man, can Carter hit. He was smashing guys against the boards in practice to the degree that the coaching staff had to issue him a cease and desist and suspend him for multiple practices. The important thing is that he hits. People love hits.
Aleksandr Raspinagainoff
Age: 21
Position: Left wing
Nationality: Russian
Raspinagainoff is a risky prospect, known for his fiery personality and tendency to break off from a play entirely to do whatever interests him at a given moment. He was 7th in the KHL in scoring last year and lauded for his creativity. He was benched for long stretches of the season, however, due to showboating and hogging the puck. There were entire power plays where Raspinagainoff would shoot, collect his own rebound, and then shoot again. Raspinagainoff is a high-risk, high-reward prospect.
Filip Btylll
Age: 20
Position: Left wing
Nationality: Czech
Btylll is one of the fastest prospects I have ever seen. He glides along the ice effortlessly, leaving opposing defenders in the dust. He doesn’t take advantage of his speed. In fact, he is hesitant to handle the puck at all, skating full laps of the rink and causing a number of offsides penalties. Scouts have questioned if Btylll understands that he’s playing ice hockey and not in a speed skating competition. If he can figure out what he’s doing out there, he could be a tremendous resource for a hockey team.
Émile Croquembouche
Age: 20
Position: Left wing
Nationality: Canadian
A sweet and savory defenseman, Croquembouche stacks up the points, but does not provide much as far as actual defense goes. His hesitancy to backcheck is a major red flag. His juniors team experimented with Croquembouche at wing last season, but he kept dropping back to the blue line to line up slap shots.
Ctephen Anderssen
Age: 23
Position: Goaltender
Nationality: Danish
Anderssen is an intriguing goaltending prospect. He had spent his entire life without having deflected anything until he was pelted with snowballs as a 16-year-old nerd. Anderssen stopped all of them.
Anderssen’s body type is a challenge, he’s what doctors call “over 50% legs”, meaning his legs make up most of his height. He’s great in butterfly but his recovery time is what one scout described as “glacial”.
Wayne Allyson
Age: “None of your business”
Position: Right Wing
Nationality: Canadian
Wayne Allyson seems familiar. Where do I know him from? He’s got jet black hair that doesn’t seem natural for this skin complexion. He’s playing a fun, reckless style, but he seems to really be getting hurt quite a bit. I like him, but he doesn’t seem like a player that you can ultimately rely on.
Where do I know this guy from?
