It is extremely important to note that absolutely none of the below is real. This is an entirely fake work of satire by an individual who could and should probably put his brainpower to better use. Thanks for reading!
We are on the verge of the start of the 2025-26 NHL season. The Philadelphia Flyers have made some interesting additions, but are still expected by most people in the media to miss the playoffs. That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t have goals! Here are some goals
Bobby Brink: Reach new heights
Can he find a Zoltar machine to actually make himself taller? Will he go to Turkey, break his legs, and come back at 6-foot-3? The Flyers are all about size now, Brinkster!
Noah Cates: Start his own fan group
Noah Cates wants to be a full-time center on this team and knows that he needs to increase his reputation with the fanbase. If he can make a fan group in the vein of the Wolf Pack or Padilla’s Flotillas, then he might have an in. But what to go with?
- Cates and Barrel
- Captain Noah and his Magical Puck
- He Cates Me
- Josie and the Pussycates
Further research will be needed.
Sean Couturier: Cyborg body
Inspired by Alien: Earth, Sean Couturier has been researching and funding procedures to make a robot body in order to extend his playing career until the end of time. A hockey mind this good cannot be limited by the failings of the human body!
Nic Deslauriers: Complete the Rosehill Triathlon
Nic Deslauriers has done it all in his NHL career. He’s beaten up everyone possible. But he has not climbed to the true peak of the mountain – completing the Rosehill Triathlon. What is the Rosehill Triathlon, you might ask? Well, Jay Rosehill had a night to remember many moons ago that involved stealing a car from one strip club and driving it to…you guessed it…another strip club. You can do it, D-Lo!
Jamie Drysdale: Figure out how to score
*Rod Serling voice* Consider the case of Jamie Drysdale. An offensive defenseman whose best offensive season resulted in 32 points. Can he figure out how to unlock that talent and get to the next level? Find out on…The Flylight Zone.
Christian Dvorak: Checking off all of his Philadelphia bucket list items before getting traded
We all know Christian Dvorak is getting traded at the deadline. At best, he’s here for one year. Therefore, he needs to check everything off of his Philadelphia bucket list. Cheesesteaks are obvious, but we have some other items to suggest.
- Roast pork sandwich.
- Hoagie.
- Water ice.
- Rocky pose in front of the Philadelphia Museum of Art.
- Call someone a dickhead.
- Climb a greased pole on Broad Street (Eagles or Phillies championship dependent).
- Throw up in the alley by McGillins.
- Ride an ATV through rush hour traffic on Broad Street.
Sam Ersson: Find some mojo, baby
Sam Ersson has been watching Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me every day during the offseason in an attempt to recover his mojo. If international superspy Austin Powers can get his mojo back, then why can’t our dear Sammy boy?
Tyson Foerster: Grow a beard to bury that baby face
TyFo has size, a killer shot, and impeccable defensive instincts for a winger. Unfortunately, he still is not feared around the league due to his adorable baby face. The solution? A great big bushy beard! We believe in you, TyFo.
Nikita Grebenkin: Become Matvei Michkov’s BFF
Grebenkin has already done a great job of securing a roster spot with his play in the preseason. Still, he doesn’t feel 100% secure in his spot on the team. Grebenkin saw Egor Zamula stick around last season solely by being able to hang out with Matvei Michkov. If Grebs can just become friends with Michkov, nay, BEST FRIENDS with Michkov, then there’s no way the Flyers can ever get rid of him. Yeah, that’s the ticket!
Garnet Hathaway: Finish his memoirs
Garnet has been working on finishing his memoirs of his time in the NHL. He has a title and everything – Garn Hath No Fury. He really doesn’t want to have to return that advance…
Noah Juulsen: Get that Juul endorsement
It’s right there, Noah! Get that bag!
Aleksei Kolosov: Spend a night in Allentown without gagging
Aleksei does not seem to enjoy Allentown. It’s got lots of ambiance and decor! I mean it’s this or nothing, sooooo the ball is in your court, Aleksei.
Travis Konecny: Become the Rat King
We all know that Travis Konecny has some rat DNA. He’s a tremendous trash talker, but he’s not known as the preeminent rat around the league. How many years can Brad Marchand possibly have left?
Jett Luchanko: Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots
Jett needs to just start blastin’. He needs to fire away at everything he sees. Keith Jones stole a House of the Dead machine from Dave & Buster’s so that Jett can learn the art of indiscriminately blasting at whatever may appear before him. Danny Briere showed Jett select parts of the movie Yes Man, to show Jett that he should indeed say yes to these shooting opportunities in life. Dave Navarro is coming in as a guest lecturer to teach Jett the importance of “living mas”.
Matvei Michkov: Level up his stamina
Matvei Michkov had an outstanding rookie season, finishing 4th in Calder voting and leading all rookies in goals scored. However, it felt as if Michkov lost steam several times due to the demand of an 82 game NHL season. Michkov is looking to increase his stamina. To do that, he has to do side quests! He has to:
- Kill 622 rats
- Obtain the Wizard’s Stick
- Drink daily stamina boosting potions
- Obtain enough gil in order to purchase the Jock Strap of Charisma, which grants its user +5 charisma and a greater chance at not getting called for obvious penalties by the refs
Someone please make me an adorable 8-bit original Legend of Zelda style Michkov triumphantly lifting a stick, thanks.
Rasmus Ristolainen: Finish the process of transcending into being with the universe
Every year, Rasmus Ristolainen disappears for a few months. What’s he doing? He is becoming one with the universe. He meditates, burns incense, finds his inner peace. He’s close. Before you know it, we won’t even know what a Rasmus Ristolainen is anymore.
Travis Sanheim: Establish his nickname as the Sanitizer
Travis Sanheim has been walking around the Flyers Skate Zone and whatever you call their arena in South Philly now (believe it’s the Gamecube or Famicon Arts Arena) demanding that people call him “The Sanitizer”. He tried “T-Bone” but no one was going for that. The Sanitizer has the first three letters of his last name and kinda fits with being a defenseman! He kills germs (opposing offensive players). Look, it needs work, but it’s something. Just go with it.
Nick Seeler: Finish his notary certification
Nick Seeler knows that he has the perfect name for a notary, since it sounds just like Sealer. What better way to make some side cash? Good on you, Nick.
Owen Tippett: Read more
Owen Tippett saw A.J. Brown reading motivational books on the sideline during the Eagles Superbowl winning playoff run last year and said, “Hey, that could be me!” So, Big Tipper is going to hit the books this season. He’s going to balance himself and find his inner excellence.
Dan Vladar: Be mid
Dan Vladar knows he wasn’t the most exciting option to come in between the pipes for the Flyers this season. Dan Vladar also knows that Flyers goaltending has been some of the worst in the NHL for the past couple of seasons. Therefore, mediocrity is Dan Vladar’s best friend.
Cam York: Resist fighting this coach
Cam York was ready to have a street brawl with John Tortorella for the honor and glory of House York. Can he resist fighting Rick Tocchet? It’s going to be tough. Elias Pettersson didn’t seem to have a great relationship with Tocch. Don’t do it, Yorkie!
Egor Zamula: Legally change his name from Egor
Zamula is tired of all the jokes about being “Dr. Frankenstein’s hunchbacked assistant”. He’s heard your hump jokes. He’s aware that Frankenstein used Igor to rob graves. Look, Zamula would like to remind you that he doesn’t even spell his first name I-G-O-R. It’s technically “Yegor”! But nooooo, the jokes persist. So, it’s time for a new start. Maybe something simple, like Eddie.
Trevor Zegras: Make a new signature move
Sure, people know that Trevor Zegras can pull off The Michigan. But what else can he do? The newest Flyer is going to experiment, coaching staff be damned. There are no expectations for the Flyers this season, anyway, so why not mess around a little? Here are some suggestions for Trevor:
- The Darth Maul: Spin your stick around in a circle with the puck dangling on the edge and finish by flinging the puck into the net. This is named after the villain in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, Darth Maul, who wielded a two-handed lightsaber. What do you mean, you don’t care? No, this nerd will not shut up!
- The Happy Gilmore: You might just think this is a slapshot. Well, you’re wrong! Happy Gilmore ends the movie as an ace putter who can see insane angles on collapsed scaffolding. This signature move for Zegras involves bouncing the puck off of the linesman’s skate, through both sides of the net, ricochet off of one of Gritty’s squeaky hands, pass through Scott Hartnell’s hair, and into the back of the net.
- The Tush Push: This is a variation of the Flying V, the inexplicable signature play from The Mighty Ducks movies. Zegras lines up behind the biggest guys on the ice, who block out the goalie and defense. Zegras scoots up and plows the puck into the net using the big boys up front as a shield. This will be banned after working one time.
