It is extremely important to note that absolutely none of the below quotes are real. This is an entirely fake work of satire by an individual who could and should probably put his brainpower to better use. Thanks for reading!
Multiple reports were released earlier today revealing that Mike Yeo is not expected back as head coach for the Philadelphia Flyers for the 2022-23 season. We ambushed Yeo as he was leaving a South Jersey Wawa for further comment.
As Yeo picked up his large coffee (that was dropped when this reporter leaped up between two cars) to toss in the nearest garbage can, he said, “Well, it was tough, ya know. You lose double digit games multiple times a season and then have to hear Flyers fans telling you just how fat your mother is and reminding me that, yes, I do not have hair currently … it …takes a toll …”
When asked if Yeo had considered taking the head coaching job for next season, he laughed and cried for a minute before listing a series of jobs that he would rather have than coach the Philadelphia Flyers next season:
- Human crash test dummy
- Filter Twitter comments for Elon Musk
- Professional muffin-bottom eater
- Travel advocate for Columbus, OH
- Appear as Buzz Lightyear at Disney World
- SEPTA transit police
- Guy on TMZ who ambushes celebrities going to the gym with a camera
- Tax attorney for the Trump Organization
- Phillies relief pitcher
- Guy who hangs out at the garbage dump when someone comes trying to find something they lost or is just a weirdo who wants to look at junk
- Taste tester for Arby’s
- Debt collector
- Director of Fast X
- Las Vegas Raiders’ owner Mark Davis’ barber
- NHL public relations director
- TikTok influencer
- Ben Simmons’ motivational coach/
When asked if Yeo would consider starting a Flyers podcast, the former head coach quickly replied, “God, no. What am I, an idiot?”
